My dad changed after my mom died.

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My dad changed after my mom died.

by cicihanley on Sun Jan 07, 2018 03:51 AM

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My dad changed after my mom died from leukemia 4 years ago. I’m 14 now so obviously me and my dad get in arguments that all teens get in with there parents but his personality is different. He doesn’t do activities that he used to. He’s grumpy. He’s been dating a women for 3 years who I think may have something to do with it. It’s so sad and upsetting for me. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of a second parent now. It hurts really bad. He used to be so caring and funny but this women is seriously on my nerves. My little sister doesn’t like her. My brother is indifferent and everything is revolves around her and her family. Even holidays are different now. I miss my old dad so much. I don’t like the new one at all. He doesn’t try to do things with us anymore or have real conversations with us. I miss him so much and I don’t know if he’s going to come back anymore. Does anyone have any advice:(

RE: My dad changed after my mom died.

by PunkyD on Sun Jan 07, 2018 06:56 AM

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Dear Cici,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom passing away.  I can't imagine how that feels to a teenager. You are so young to have to deal with death. It sounds like you are very strong. Are you the oldest of your siblings? I am sorry that things are rough between you and your Dad now, because you are in a new situation with his new girlfriend.  When someone dies, everyone deals with the loss in a different way (you, your siblings and your Dad).  I'm sure the loss of your Mom is very hard on your Dad as well. Did you try having a "heart to heart" talk with your Dad and tell him how you feel or ask him any questions that you may have? If you can't, do you have another adult or friend that you can talk to? I hope others will answer you here as well. Hang in there.

Punky

RE: My dad changed after my mom died.

by StanToronto on Tue Jan 09, 2018 08:10 PM

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cicihanley,

Everyone who loses a spouse, becomes a different person than they used to be. I lost my wife 2.5 yeara ago, and I am at all the same person I was. I don't do any of the activities I did before, in fact I have lost interest in just about everything I did before, and don't do much of anything these days. At least your dad is dating, which is a good sign, while I have withdrawn into an isolated world by myself. I don't want to be around people. It is hard to start life all over again.

Your dad seems to have found a new life; one that works for him, and it may not be something that you can do about it other than show support for what he is doing, which might bring the two of you closer.

The way he is after 5 years, is probably a good indicator for the future. Daughters seem to have the biggest problem with dad dating again.

RE: My dad changed after my mom died.

by ABCgirlz on Thu Jan 11, 2018 05:21 PM

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It is hard to loose a parent, and you will feel and have to deal with that loss through every major life change you have.  A children's grief counselor gave us that advice when my 10-year-old grandson lost his mother to gastric cancer.  It is okay to ask for help when dealing with it and let your dad know that you (or your siblings) may need to talk to someone that can help with that like a counselor.  You did kind of loose 2 parents.  Two days after my oldest daughter died from cancer my husband also died from a severe lung disease.  I am different because of it.  I also feel guilty that my other 2 daughters do not have the same mother they would have had because of the tragedy we went through as a family.  I think it is okay to tell your dad how you feel and ask for what you need like more individual time with him and for your siblings.  Maybe ask for new traditions for you guys.  However, to ask or expect him to stop a relationship he has with someone else would not be right and could back fire in so many ways.  For example, I know we are going to go and do whatever with them this weekend, but the next weekend could we go do what ever just us.  You are all dealing with the loss of a person, but also a loss of connection as a family. That is normal.  Try to understand he is dealing with that too, even if it is not the way you wish he would deal with it.  Try also to discuss this with another adult that can intercede with him for you, like a grandparent or aunt or even a school counselor.  I hope the best for you and your whole family.  

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