I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

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I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StephenS on Fri Mar 02, 2018 12:10 PM

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I joined this exclusive club of spouses who loved, still love and will always love their husband or wife who they lost to cancer four years ago today when Kathy passed away after a year long battle with pancreatic cancer. 

Today I wish to renew my membership for another year.  I am proud to call myself a member and I will talk to anyone about how good life was when Kathy was part of it. 

But most of all, I renew my membership because of all of you out there who can understand and relate to the battle I wage inside my head each day to keep the tears from falling and to continue to move forward down the road of life.

It is your help, understanding, and compasion that I come here for, just as I try to share the same love and understanding for each of you.

And so I ask, will you accept me for another year? You see I still need you to get through the day.

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StanToronto on Mon Mar 05, 2018 07:00 PM

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Stephen, 

I have been watching for you 4th anniversary tribute to Kathy, but haven't seen it yet. Your messages have always been an inspiration to me.

I am only 2 years and eight months into this, and so far, it has only gotten worse, and I see that you aren't doing all that much better. :-(  My kids think I should get some pills from the doctor, and seek counseling, but I can't imagine a "counselor" telling me anything I don't already know. I get all the counseling I need from this forum, and am satisfied that I am not some sort of nutcase, but just living in the new normal.

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StephenS on Mon Mar 05, 2018 07:29 PM

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Dear Stan,

What those who have not lost the love of their lives don't realize is that they are irreplaceable.  That they were our world and it was the best world that we could have ever asked for.  i have given up trying to recover from the loss and instead I spend my time trying to make this world just a little bit better for the ones I love an who are still here with us. You, Stan, are one of the people I was speaking of when I asked to rejoin for another year.  We both fight the same battle, trying to find a place in this world while we wait to join our loved ones in heaven.  All I can do for you Stan is to pray to our Lord to comfort you and give you solace old friend.  

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StanToronto on Mon Mar 05, 2018 08:37 PM

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Stephen,

I noticed your mention of "moving on" which pretty much represents a common premise, and which I was trying to do, until I read these words of wisdom:

"I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being." -Gwen Flowers 

I have read a lot of advice over the past couple years, like pushing through, moving on, etc., but this is the best advice I have ever read. I have actually been feeling a lot better over the past few weeks as I consider this advice. It has removed the extra burden of guilt as a failure, for not being able or even wanting to move on. Move on to where?! The advice here is that of adapting to a "A new way of seeing. A new definition of self".

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by Marie55 on Tue Mar 13, 2018 03:55 AM

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I am renewing my "membership" also for another year. It was four years last week that my husband died from cancer. I have been to many grief support groups. Maybe it would be a bit easier if I had family nearby, but that is not the case. So I am thankful for friends but at this point try not to share with them the depths of loneliness I have been feeling. I just miss my husband, bottom line. Don't want to hear to move on, through, try to date, it is time, etc. thanks for sharing, it makes feel I am not the only one missing their spouse.

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StanToronto on Wed Mar 14, 2018 03:53 PM

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Marie,

I am grateful that you and Stephen still visit us here, even after four years. You both prepare me for the road ahead.

Marie>> "So I am thankful for friends but at this point try not to share with them the depths of loneliness I have been feeling. I just miss my husband, bottom line."

Marie,

I been experiencing the same dilemna, particularly with my kids, but sometimes I cannot hide it, such as a recent episode where both of my kids invited me for dinner, and I declined. When they pressed me for an explanation, I had to tell them I had been going through a very rough period for the last couple weeks, and even the very thought of eating makes me gag, and I just don't want to be around people right now, even my own family. Of course, once they realize I am in trouble, they spring into maintenance mode, giving me all the usual advice, including seeking counsel from a therapist. But I have a close friend who is a psychologist, who says that people like us are the most difficult to deal with. In other words, she doesn't have a clue how to treat them, because until she has been through what they have been through, she will never understand. I don't know what a professional psychologist can accomplish, but taking away the enduring pain is not one of them.

So I tell my kids that I get all the counseling I need from (unnamed) this forum. They try to convince me that going to a forum like this, and getting inspiration and advice from those who are just as sick as me, is the wrong approach, and I should look elsewhere. They haven't been through anything like this, so there is no way they will ever understand. The people on this forum, are by no means 'sick like me', but just people who 'hurt like me!'

Stephen>> "We both fight the same battle, trying to find a place in this world while we wait to join our loved ones in heaven."

Stephen,

We are on the very same page. I feel the very same way! We have had it all, the very best God had to offer, and as I review the events in my life, I know that God has been with me every step the the way. And now, I am challenged to accept amd applaud the the supremacy and sovereignty of God. 

Now that we have done it all, for me, 'trying to find a place in this world' is pretty much focused upon making my departure and legal matters as simple as possible for the kids. Other than that, when I try to envision something fun to do, without my best friend at my side to share the experience, would be totaly meaningless. 

So I join you along with others, as "we wait to join our loved ones in heaven."    

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by PunkyD on Tue Mar 20, 2018 07:36 AM

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On Mar 14, 2018 3:53 PM StanToronto wrote:

Marie,

I am grateful that you and Stephen still visit us here, even after four years. You both prepare me for the road ahead.

Marie>> "So I am thankful for friends but at this point try not to share with them the depths of loneliness I have been feeling. I just miss my husband, bottom line."

Marie,

I been experiencing the same dilemna, particularly with my kids, but sometimes I cannot hide it, such as a recent episode where both of my kids invited me for dinner, and I declined. When they pressed me for an explanation, I had to tell them I had been going through a very rough period for the last couple weeks, and even the very thought of eating makes me gag, and I just don't want to be around people right now, even my own family. Of course, once they realize I am in trouble, they spring into maintenance mode, giving me all the usual advice, including seeking counsel from a therapist. But I have a close friend who is a psychologist, who says that people like us are the most difficult to deal with. In other words, she doesn't have a clue how to treat them, because until she has been through what they have been through, she will never understand. I don't know what a professional psychologist can accomplish, but taking away the enduring pain is not one of them.

So I tell my kids that I get all the counseling I need from (unnamed) this forum. They try to convince me that going to a forum like this, and getting inspiration and advice from those who are just as sick as me, is the wrong approach, and I should look elsewhere. They haven't been through anything like this, so there is no way they will ever understand. The people on this forum, are by no means 'sick like me', but just people who 'hurt like me!'

Stephen>> "We both fight the same battle, trying to find a place in this world while we wait to join our loved ones in heaven."

Stephen,

We are on the very same page. I feel the very same way! We have had it all, the very best God had to offer, and as I review the events in my life, I know that God has been with me every step the the way. And now, I am challenged to accept amd applaud the the supremacy and sovereignty of God. 

Now that we have done it all, for me, 'trying to find a place in this world' is pretty much focused upon making my departure and legal matters as simple as possible for the kids. Other than that, when I try to envision something fun to do, without my best friend at my side to share the experience, would be totaly meaningless. 

So I join you along with others, as "we wait to join our loved ones in heaven."    

Dear Stan,

Some of the things that you have said reminded me of my father, who lost my Mom after 52 years of marriage (He is a young 79 year old).  The part that you say: "Of course, once they realize I am in trouble, they spring into maintenance mode, giving me all the usual advice, including seeking counsel from a therapist."  We kids were the same way with my Dad. Though, I can honestly say that I cannot put myself in your shoes or understand this feeling that you have. Neither I nor my father can know what it feels like to have (and lose) a soulmate, and feel like you will never have another. I feel for your children as well who cannot relieve your pain. Everyone copes differently, that is for sure. My father has since remarried, and we are all thrilled for him. For him, being alone was just about the worst thing that could possibly happen. My Mom and Dad had discussed his remarrying before she passed, and my Dad had her blessing. She knew, he would not be able to handle being alone. And why should he be? None of us feel like he is betraying her. Her memory will always live on. 

You say: "When I try to envision something fun to do, without my best friend at my side to share the experience, would be totaly meaningless."  Wouldn't your wife want you to go on, be happy, do fun things, enjoy life?  I have no real useful advice for you except one. TRY.  There is a saying that you probably know: "Fake it till you make it". It's supposed to actually work. Try to do fun things.  Go and be with your kids (Do you have grandkids?)! Don't they bring you joy? Enjoy their company. Distract yourself even for just a few minutes. Put one foot in front of the other.  Even if you don't feel like it. Even if you don't want to. Even if you don't feel like being around people. Even if it's a huge effort. Even if you don't have your best friend by your side. You never know. 

Again Stan, I don't pretend to understand what you are going through, and I am definitely not judging you. But life has so much to offer......it would be a shame to just 'wait to join your loved one in heaven'. It's just a suggestion. 

Punky

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StanToronto on Thu Mar 22, 2018 03:29 PM

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Punky, I hope your Dad's new family structure works out well. Statistically, 70% of widowed remarrying fail in short order, probably because they start compararing what they have now, to what they used to have. But I have a friend who used to hang out here, remarried for the right reasons. She married a new friend who has recently lost his spouse as well. They were a great support for one another. After marrying, their first order of business was to set up two memorial stones in the garded, side in honor of each of their departed spouses, knowing that their love for their first spouse would always be first and foremost.

My relationship with my wife was different. We knew each other so well that we never had to discuss anything like that. We just knew that our marriage would be an eternal unity. She left me a card which I found in her desk after her death. "I Love You, Forever". During her last year, she never expressed any kind concerning her impending death, until a few hours before she died, when she put her arms around me trembling uncontrollalby and weeping, saying "This is not fair . . God is going to take me away without you". So my primary objective is be reunited with her again with no complications. 50 years with her is enough to sustain me until that day. I have never for a moment, ever felt unmarried over the past three years for single moment since her death.

I have seen a lot of videos on NDE (Near Death Experience), many of which recount meeting grandma and grandpa, and other together with their spouses in Heaven. One of my favourites, is the experience of Hilary Williams, Hank Williams' grand daugher, meeting her grandparents together their, and also Johnny Cash and June, with Johnny playing a guitar and June a harprsicord: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yr73QpsYjuM&t=9s

I know what my wife expected of me:

1. Don't be a burden to the kids;

2. Get all legal matters in order, to make the transistion as simple as possible

3. Dispose of our significant financial assets, transferring them to our kids in the simplest way possible.

4. Clear the house and garage of stuff they would throw out

Once I have accomplished all of that, then I am free to go. :-)

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by PunkyD on Sun Mar 25, 2018 06:16 AM

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Dear Stan, 

I understand........I just thought I'd give it one more shot in case you hadn't thought of my idea.  :)

I am confident and hopeful that my Dad's new marriage will last, as they are both very level headed people, committed to making it work, and they both respect each other and their past relationships. They do not compare the present to the past. It sounds like what you and your wife had was truly special. That is so rare. You are so lucky to have had that. I can't imagine the heartache. I have watched many videos on NDE, as it intrigues me and I do believe in God. I will watch what you sent when I get a chance. It sounds like you have a real plan. I wish you only well and peace.

Punky

RE: I'M HERE TO RENEW MY MEMBERSHIP

by StanToronto on Tue Mar 27, 2018 01:28 PM

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>>"Try to do fun things.  Go and be with your kids (Do you have grandkids?)!  Don't they bring you joy? Enjoy their company. Distract yourself even for just a few minutes."

Punky,

After saying that I have enjoyed a marriage, as good as marriage ever gets; I am a bit apprehensive in telling you about my family and grandkids, because my entire family is also as good as it ever gets!! This is the way it goes:

I have two sons who married two sisters who are like daughters to me, and each had two grandchildren, who planned for the grandchildren to be in the same age range, now 9-12, so they could all grow up together as best friends. And the one set of inlaws, are my best friends.

Most of our family activities over the past couple of decades have included the global family, so there has been little motivation to reach out and find friends outside the family.    

I recently experienced a very low point for a couple weeks, and these low points will emerge from time to time during the healing process, but then everything returns again to normal, and I will be spending a day with the family this weekend. I am a bit apprehensive, but I think it will turn out great, once I get there.

Stan  
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