Sharing my feelings

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Sharing my feelings

by littleSunshine on Wed Mar 28, 2018 12:03 AM

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Dear CancerCompass Community,

first of all I want to apologize for all the mistakes I am going to make concerning grammar, word order, spelling etc... English is not my first language because I am from Austria. But actually, I am trying to do my best with the help of google translate and leo.org ...;-)

My stepfather looks just like a corpse. And he really is in pain - when I sit in the kitchen having diner, he always lays in the living room next door, making strange noises as an expression of his aching. 

Furthermore, something about myself: I am 19 years old, studying media in the second semester now and the reason, why I have joined this forum is, that my stepfather got cancer of the colon. He already had his chemo and in April there will be the operation. A good result may be expected. He is positively minded as well but somehow... I do not know how to explain my concern. Probably, I don't even know it (by?) myself. I just feel different and out of place because, by implication of the disease, I have to help a lot more keeping house than before. Of course, this, or rather family, is top priority. As a result, I have got less time for my education and for my friends. Many of them do not even know my situation - I have never told them. Anyways, I feel guilty for kind of "abusing" another one's cancer as an excuse for having less time for my friends. I feel guilty for feeling guilty because we did not have the best relationship before that situation - my stepfather and I - and now it's just like: Hey, let's act as if everything is perfect and we were best friends. He tells me stories about his past and childhood, about his parents and friends, about his feelings, about his pain. And I don't say, that I don't care, I just don't think that our relationship is... I'm just searching for a right word... Hmmh, don't even know how to describe it in German. It just feels wrong.

I have to cope with my own struggles, we all have, I guess. I am just not strong enough to listen to him every day and having no meal without feeling the presence of Cancer. However, I am aware of the possibility to talk to him and tell him, he should find somebody else for his stories but i simply can't. I feel partly responsible for his well-being even if I know, it's not my business. Or maybe yes!? After all, we are a family or something like that.

In my opinion, I am not in the position to feel affected by his suffering, to be worried, because we did not really care for each other before and because there are certainly people, who fight harder  and who actually have to deal with worse situations than mine, for example the dead of a loved person. This is another reason why I am feeling sorry for writing this senseless text about how I am feeling, without even having a good reason for it. 

I just see how my mother is somehow breaking apart, how my brother is pretending to be totally fine, how everything is just a masquerade and Cancer is hiding behind every corner: the whole life of not just a single person but all of their close friends and relatives is affected. The smallest losses are that we will not go on holyday this summer and that two weddings had to be canceled. But there are so many other heavy losses.

Can you please tell me how to cope with this? I just tried to find the right words to express some of the thoughts running through my mind... I am sorry that the text has become so long:/

Faithfully,

littleSunshine (jep, always trying to stay optimistic...;))

1 Posts | Page(s): 1 
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