Need advise - Dad is dating after Mom passed away

4 Posts | Page(s): 1 

Need advise - Dad is dating after Mom passed away

by Lonelyjacket on Sat Jul 07, 2018 04:12 AM

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About three months ago, my mother passed away from Metastatic Breast Cancer at age 41. My dad, who is the same age, recently began seeing someone after only two months of her being gone. After only knowing her for a few weeks, he invited her and her two sons to our house to swim. Because I am an introvert and have been told nothing but negatives about her (she had blocked him and then apologized multiple times within the few weeks) I stayed in my room asleep for most of her visit. I did however come to say hi before she left. The next day she called my dad and was mad that no one had liked her Facebook post about being at my house, stating that “no one approved of their relationship”. In addition, she said that I gave her the cold shoulder during her visit. When my dad got home from work later that day , he yelled at me and said that I was being rude and inhospitable and that when someone comes I should be nice and welcoming. It made me very upset that I was getting in trouble because I didn’t want to be around a woman romantically seeing my dad while I was constantly crying and missing my mother. After that, she ended things with him, only to call the next day apologizing. He now goes out several times a week to see her and it really bothers me and my siblings that are all still teenagers. I know that he will again want me to meet her and force me to be around her. Dont I have a right to not want to be around her? Should I be happy that he’s with someone else? I just really don’t know at this point and it’s beginning to drive a wedge between him and his family. I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m the only one being a “grown up” in the house even though I’m only fifteen.

RE: Need advise - Dad is dating after Mom passed away

by PunkyD on Sun Jul 08, 2018 06:54 AM

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Dear Lonelyjacket,

First of all, I would like to send you my sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. I can't imagine what that feels like at a such a young age. It sounds like a complicated situation. After only 3 months since your mother passed, it does seem like a short time but who are we to judge? Your post raises many questions in my mind such as: What was your parents relationshipe like? Did your parents discuss your father dating/remarrying before your mother passed? How is your father coping? It sounds like there is a great need for a lot of communication and consideration in your family. Your father is a grown man who has the right to make decisions on his own, however in my humble opinion, it may have been wise or extremely considerate if he would have shared with you and your siblings his intentions to date, and to see how you feel about it, or at least give you a "heads up". Your feelings are totally understandable. From who did you hear negative things about her? I think in any case, you should give her the benefit of the doubt that if your Dad likes her, she is a nice person, and you'd really have to meet her (when you feel ready) in order to have a real opinion. She was mad about you not liking her Facebook post?  Seriously??? That sounds very immature. Your father and his lady friend have a right to date, but you have a right to not want to be around her. You should be happy for him, if he is happy, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy about this whole situation. Like I said, it's complicated. There is no reason for your father to live the rest of his life alone, but it sounds like the "grown ups" are not being as considerate as one would expect them to be. I think that your should all have a sit down, and talk about your feelings and expectations in a calm way. 

Just on a personal note....my mom passed away from cancer 5 years ago. We knew that my parents spoke about my dad dating after she passed, and my mother definitely wanted my dad to date and remarry. My Dad asked our permission to date, and asked us about meeting his new girlfriend. Everything was very out in the open. He remarried 2 years ago, we like her and are very happy for him. My Dad goes out of his way to thank us for letting her into our family. 

With a lot of sensitivity, consideration, and cooperation, there is hope. I hope that you, your siblings, can work things out together, so that you can understand and consider each other's feelings and needs. 

Punky 

RE: Need advise - Dad is dating after Mom passed away

by Lonelyjacket on Sun Jul 08, 2018 10:19 PM

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Thank you for your response. The negative things I had heard had been from my dad himself. My parents had a good relationship and my mom did want him to date after she passed. They had been married for 26 years, 6 of them she had been ill. While I do believe it is soon, I will try to have an honest conversation with him. Again thank you for your reply and I hope all is well for you.

RE: Need advise - Dad is dating after Mom passed away

by StanToronto on Wed Jul 11, 2018 04:40 AM

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Lonely,

I hope your dad will wake up one day and realize that he is engaging in a really bad idea. Statistically, marriages like this result in a 70% divorce rate within the first year. :-(

Give him a little slack. Those first years after losing your spouse can be devastating, which messes with mental processes as well.

He is now an entirely different person than he was before your mom died. Make an effort to join with this new and different person in your life. He will need you to be there for him to do that. It is the most challenging event both of you will as ever have to deal with in your entire lives! 

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