My mom’s dating someone after my father’s death

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My mom’s dating someone after my father’s death

by Emilyyy on Mon Jan 14, 2019 05:47 AM

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It has been 8 years since my father has passed away, and I just found out my mother is seeing someone. I know 8 years is a long time, but I still can’t wrap my head around this, seeing her with someone else , who is not my father. I honestly want her to be happy but no matter how hard It keeps bothering me , and I don’t know what to do? Or how to act around her right now, I’m trying to hide all these emotions from her, but it’s hard, and both my brothers seem to be okay with it. I really don’t know how to deal with it, please help

RE: My mom’s dating someone after my father’s death

by PunkyD on Mon Jan 14, 2019 07:04 AM

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Dear Emily,

First of all, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father.

How wonderful for your mother that she is seeing someone! I don't know how old you are, but if you are young, I would understand the many feelings that you may have, finding it difficult to "wrap your head around seeing her with someone else" that is not your father. Please understand that even though it feels that way, no one can take the place of your father. You will only have one father. No one can erase what you had with your father, or all of your childhood experiences. What is it that bothers you about it?  Do you feel that somehow your Mom is "betraying" your father? Do you not like the person that she is seeing? 

I lost my Mom 5 years ago.  She was 74. My parents were married for 52 years!! I know for a fact that my parents discussed my Dad dating/remarrying after my Mom would pass. My Mom did not want my Dad to be alone and gave him her blessing. I don't see how my Dad could possibly have stayed alone. Pretty soon after my Mom passed away, (after several months) my Dad was miserable. Alone, depressed, having to fend for himself. We (4 daughters) encouraged and urged him to start dating. In fact, we had a long list of possible women for him. Not only that, but my Dad would call us kids and practically ask permission to date, and we were like: "Dad, you are a big boy. You can do whatever you want. We support you". It was not easy for him to start all over again and start dating, but thank God, after 3 relationships, he found his next wife to be, and has now been married for almost 2 years. We are so happy for him. The woman is nice, and I think my Mom would have liked her. She has not taken my Mom's place, and my Mom is still very present in their house, with pictures of her, and we talk about her.  There is no reason why a person should have to live alone for the rest of their lives when a spouse passes. 

I have heard of many families that have difficulties with this, but I'm not really sure what the real problem is. As far as inheritance, my Dad has ensured that there is no need for concern. They have an explicit will/contract. 

I guess what I'm saying is, that if you have a good relationship with your Mom, then you should be able to talk openly about your feelings. I think your Mom needs your support and understanding. Eight years is a long time to be alone. How to act around her? You should act the same way as before. It's not like she is doing something wrong or naughty. Have you been properly introduced? Have you had the chance to get to know this new man? Maybe he's really nice and makes your mom happy, and gives her companionship. Have you spoken to your siblings about how you feel?

I hope that my experience can shed some light on what is possible and that you can see another angle. Again, I don't know the dynamics in your family, your age, or other factors regarding why you feel the way you do. In any case, I wish you and your family luck, patience, understanding and happiness. 

Sincerely,

Punky

RE: My mom’s dating someone after my father’s death

by StephenS on Thu Feb 28, 2019 10:41 PM

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Dear Emilyyy, i lost my wife five years ago. I loved her and she loved me and God gave us each the best possible life partner we could possibly have asked him for. But she is not here on earth any longer and life without her is absolutely miserable. Yes, I have three children and eleven grandkids and they do everything to love me and care for me and show me their love, but they are not Kathy and they are not there to hold me, snuggle with me, care for me as only a spouse can and bring sunshine into my life as I know someone loves me as a man, husband, and partner. I was married forty four years and she was my world. But its a lonely world out there and after so many years your mother deserves to know that someone stil finds her attractve, someone lights up her days and is there to hold through the night and there is someone share your life with. Her love for your father has never diminished, not one bit. She loves his as much today as that first day he asked her to marry him. This new man is not a replacement for your father, not in her heart nor in her mind. He represents the future not the past. A promise for happier days than she has know for more than eight years. Please be kind to her, let her know you love her and talk openly about how much you miss your dad and not how she could be seeing someone else. She will share her sorrow, grief and loss with you gladly and pour out her tears which she has held back trying to be stoic and strong for you all those years. Ask God to show you the way to strengthen your bond with your mother and ask him to teach you how to show her you love her still and forever.

Good luck. I will say a prayer for you. 

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