Divorce and Breast Cancer

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RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by cardsmart on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:00 AM

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My daughter is 32 and has just gone through all her treatment and things look good, thank God. But her husband wants a divorce. She cannot afford an Attorney. Does anyone know if there is a free or inexpensive service that can help her through this?

Any help is greatly appreciated.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by trisha_a on Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:00 AM

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Lisa,  i have  late stage 3 breast cancer. I also have had bilateral radical mastectomy. My husband of 37 years has divorced me. He was a nightmare. Told me i smelled, said he could catch cancer from me. He also told me it was100% my fault called me a loser wished i had died and stated if he could kill me with a push of a button he would. This was when i was under going surgery chemo and radiaton.      i have been away from him almost a year. I can wake up with out crying. I feel good about my self. I pray every day. God has sent so many good people my way. It is very difficult but i must make the most of each day. Don't talk to him or surround your self with people who can't or won't support you. Get a good lawyer and pray every day.                                                          love trisha 

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by rally53 on Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:00 AM

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On 1/31/2009 husbandofbc wrote:

Caregiver:

 I feel strongly for your experience. Assuming you have not had any affairs, this is unfair to you.  People usually fall into categories,  usually the ones with affairs would not be the kind to take others' children as their own.  I can feel your pain of going thu these sacrifices without getting a minum appreciation or recognition like a short and soft thank-you, a appreciative smile.  You feel even lonely when community is not siding with you. Because of her unfortune conditions, they would assume that is what you are supposed to do.  The most unbearable part is the disrespect and blame of "how come you did not do for me while I am cancer striken?" or "now you really wish I could die sooner!"

Those words can be heart breaking and humilating!! And few people in the supporting commnunity would imagine that. They assume that is the normal emotional reactions from a breast cancer patient. 

I observed from my own experience, from when I grew up to now, that many women who ended up with what they and their family labelled as "the Hunch of Notre Dame" often disrespect their husbands.  These women feel that life is unfair to them and their husbands naturally becomes a daily reminder of their not being able to marrying a more successful man in life. These husbands, then, become wifes' psychological disharge toilets.  And loving and sacrifing would not reverse that. 

To make things worse, a woman's family could either instill or support this psychology.  Most parents love their children.  After their children's marriage,  these love could easily turn into bias.  It is just human nature.  Some parents, family always feel what their children have done and sacrificed but only knows or sees( instead of feel) what their spouses have gone thru.  It is just too easy to make conventional conclusion on thier spouses like "uncaring jerk!".  Nobody would put that on their own children.  Have you seen any?

I just found myselfing overwriting before even touching the my relevance to this site.  My wife, too, was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was in Jan 2009.  I had the unappreciation, blame and dispectst, too, like you underwent.  I am too the only bread maker in the family but my wife supported my tuition during my master's degreee. 

Our relationship is not a sunshing one for the 15 years of our marriage. I was thinking about divorce before the diagnosis. But now sudden came the diagnosis.  I decide to stay married rather than being an "uncaring jerk" since she is dependent on me for medical insuarnce.   I, too, got the blame that I picked the wrong insurance and I was criticized as not caring that much.  At work I am going thru the pressure to finish a project and I have to use work time to make appoints, change physicians, call for test results and accompany her to tests.  And when I talked back when she labelled me too stupid to find a good parking spot in front of Target, she threatened not to let me go with her for the next appointment.  She sighed constantly in front of me that she had been so unlucky all thru her life and never had been happy putting blame of unsuccessful marriage, of course, all on me.  When we in quarells, her mother questioned me why I shed tears on the night of diagnosis. She must have though I was being pretending.  Pretending for what? Blame from community/society, I admit, can be the last straw on the back. I feel that you and me are esssentially  different from those who walked from their wives shortly upon diagnois.  But hey, in the society, who cares about the difference between "uncaring jerks"?


My husband, has kidney since Nov.of 09.We have been married for 15 years.He use to spoil me rotten.The frist time he hurt my feelings,was after his first surgerie,I cry like a baby,call my son,call my best friend.Now he is getting better.I love my husband with all my heart and  soul.But,I wish he would hold me more and tell me everything is going to be alrigth.I have to cry in between work and the house,cause he doesn't like it if I cry.Cause he just say{its what it is and except it} but I miss my husband to spoil me.Am I being selfesh? I just want him to know, its hard on me too.Now I have 2 jobs,just for him not to worry about the bills.I have put myself in his shoes, how would I feel if it was me with cancer. So no you'll are not uncaring jerks.One day my husband said he was worry that I would leave him,I told him my feeling were hurt cause by now he should know what kind of person I am.For better or worsed!! Take care I wish you luck.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Tombon on Thu Dec 17, 2009 11:42 PM

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On Jan 12, 2009 12:00 AM poem_writer wrote:

 

On 7/8/2007 Lisadiane wrote:

Hi my name is Lisa I am 43 years old and I am new to the message board. Its not even been a year since I found out I had breast cancer, and now I find my self going threw a divorce, My husband can't deal with the cancer. After 10 years together when I need him the most he's not there. I know I can't be the only one going threw this. I really need the support of others that may be going threw the same thing or has been there and done that!! 

Thanks


I CAN handle breast cancer! I CAN handle THREE occurences of infidility from my wife (that I am aware of), and up until now, I WAS able to deal with her disrespect and accusations that I don't care about her! Everyone at her chuch, her work, and in her personal life really LOVES HER!! All the while, she has treated me with great disrespect and lack of care and encouragement "behind closed doors" for nearly 23 years...Self pride is her greatest enemy and I cannot help her!!

My wife and I have been married for nearly 23 years. When I met her, she had a son from a privious drug-related relationship that was an infant and I took him as my son and have raised him and our other three children with love, respect, stability, and great dignity. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer about nine months ago. right away, I closed my own world off (more than usual) and put my attention toward her and the disease. During her first surgery(lumpectomy), I provided flowers, stuffed animals, cards, and stayed right by her side for 48 hours straight without any sleep or self-care. Her nurses seldomly came into our room as I did all of their work in order to be as loving and helpful as I possibly could be. I did the same thing at her less invaisive, 2nd surgery. We have 3 of our four children, ages 23, 18, and 17 in our home for the time being. I am the only one that works outside of the home and I am responsible for 100% of the bills, insurances, finances, land upkeep ( 7 acres), vehicle upkeep, and for trying to sell a 2nd home which is facing foreclosure due to loss of income and and added expenses from cancer and such. Also, I am a disabled veteran. It would take me far too long to actually list everything here!

My wife accuses me of not caring and will not talk to me or give love, care, or affection. I don't mind all of the above except she and her close friends and some family, are convinced that I am an uncaring jerk! Truth is, someone has to maintain the employment and pay the bills. I have made it to many of her routine doctor appointments and a great deal of tests. All to a point that my sick leave ballance was far in the negative. All of her nurses and doctors know me. 

I am tired all of the time now! Her disrespect and accusations of lack of care have me STRONGLY considering divorce! Not an abrupt one, but one nonetheless.  

Key features to consider:

-Has never showed appreation for me having taken her son as my own.

-Had affairs with my friend, a co-worker, and her son's father.

-Before and during cancer has always filled her life with church, church friends, and everything else but me. When I have sincerely asked her to concentrate on our relationship, she tells me I am being self-centered. Huh?

-Tried marriage counceling about five times and she is successful at getting the pastor or councelor to concentrate on me, while she escapes any accountability for HER issues.

-She's never tried to encouraed me in our marriage and often plays the "devils advocate."

-For about 85% of our marriage, she gives conditional love and affection.

-I give massages, write poetry, bring flowers, clean around the house, and I listen...I am affectionate and attentive. I work hard, go to church with her and the family, and I make an honest, and reliable income that is above average.

-I haven't left her yet because I have always wanted to be up close to my kids. My dad was very distant and his children suffered intensly as a result.

 

Just wanting folks to see the husbands side to this disease and in need of support! Thank you!

My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003, though I suspected it in late 2002, she delayed in going to the doctor, because she was scared.

She had a stage 4 tumor primary and another primary in the cartilage of her humerous (bone next to elbow). She had chemotherapy, radical mastectomy and radiotherapy.  The tumor from her cartilage was also removed.

I found it very hard to deal with her problems effectively and support her, but fortunately her sister was round to help.

I work myself in palliative care, and support a lot of people with cancer, but I found it very stressful to deal with the disease at home.

It is now six years later, and in those years we virtually stopped communicating so effectively. In bed she did not want me to come near here, afraid that my frame would bump into her - the five years of Tamoxifen meant that she did not want to kiss me - I though she was complaining about my breath, but it was her metallic taste.

Two years ago I started a relationship with a younger woman, and last August started divorce proceedings.

I never though that I would divorce her, but I felt pushed out - her illness became mine, and gave me a lot of stress - to the extent I couldn't cope.

My wife is still working full-time.

I am divorcing her.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by mmsurvivor on Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:09 AM

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On Jun 23, 2009 12:00 AM cardsmart wrote:

My daughter is 32 and has just gone through all her treatment and things look good, thank God. But her husband wants a divorce. She cannot afford an Attorney. Does anyone know if there is a free or inexpensive service that can help her through this?

Any help is greatly appreciated.

I am sorry for your daughter but this is a common happening. (The husband with complaints below unfortunately you had big problems long before the cancer showed up) I was an oncology nurse and many times the husband fled at the word cancer and never came back. There are simple forms on the web that help someone file a divorce petition for as little as $500, depending on the state. See if a friend can help you find someone and get a reference. Go to the local court and ask around. Take care and be well. MMS

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Neneisntreal on Wed Apr 28, 2010 04:55 AM

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My wife was very rude, angry, unfaithful, disrespectful, and a fake Christian before getting breast cancer nearly two years ago. I wasn't a perfect husband but I supported my family well, took us to church, and was helpful and attentive. I only asked for one thing from my wife...A little peace. She began to follow me obsessivly and accuse me of the things she had done so many times herself (multiple infidelities). When she couldn't manipulate me further with her breast cancer, she became vindictive and used her "cancer" as a wedge to collapse my entire social and church family support system with lies. She then cleaned out our home, left me with our daughters, and moved to Colorado and squated (free living) in our foreclosing home in the Northern Colorado Springs, CO area. She stole thousands of dollars, lied to everyone we knew, and completely turned our eldest son and his wife against me. This is just the tip of the ice berg of crap that she has done. All the while, hundreds of her friends and church family members are fooled into believing that she was the one that was wronged. If she is the true example of a real Christian than we are all wrong if we believe it. May God condem that evil lying #$%^&! Not all men that divorce their wives after a breast cancer diagnosis are bad. there are exceptions! Some things truly are different than they appear so make sure that you hear BOTH SIDES of the story before making up your mind on this issue...

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by husbandofbc on Tue Dec 14, 2010 07:03 PM

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I am still living(cohabiting would be more precise) with my wife. Three reasons:

1. She is still an excellent caretaker for my 2 children although at the same time abusive to them verbally frequently

2. She depends on me for employer insurance.  She couldn't even drive for more than an hour, she told me.  I have to mention that she supported me during my education.  That leads to almost daily mentioning that "Without me, you would be nothing".  I provided for her during all 15 years took her mother with the family touring many countries but is not considered by either of them as anything close to "payback" at all;

3.The house we bought right before housing crisis stuck almost all our equity

 

My thoughts at the moment:

An evil from your heart will ultimately trap yourself; concience from your heart, too, will stumble you from stepping forward. Let me ask you, everyone, what kind of heart would you like to have if you get to pick and choose?

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Ohfeh on Tue Dec 14, 2010 10:51 PM

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I hope your post is removed - not because you wrote it, but because you seem to have chosen the role of a martyr - and, an unhappy one at that.  Why either of you would have stayed together is beyond imagination.

It is one thing to have misery in life, but choosing misery - for either of you, is beyond comprehension. 

Good therapy for both of you - separately, seems in order.  Or, just leave.  It couldn't get worse from what you describe.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by Ohfeh on Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:00 PM

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This sounds worse than a dx of breast cancer.  Why you think you are doing anyone any favors is not rational.

RE: Divorce and Breast Cancer

by husbandofbc on Wed Dec 15, 2010 01:17 PM

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I am from another culture.  I posted it to see how other people look at it.  Thank you for providing feedbacks!  Now I see that how I look crazy from your eyes.  Walking out of this marriage, I would be an "a**hole" abandoning a cancer riden wife, who historically has contributed siginificantly to the family, but at the same time has a very abusive personality.  Staying in the marriage equals to daily pains.  Anybody else having different views from last 2 posts commenting on mine 12/14 post?

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