first night alone since he passed away

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first night alone since he passed away

by eastwest on Thu Apr 14, 2011 02:04 AM

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The viewing and services are over and my older son has returned home. My younger son asked me if I wanted to sleep over his house tonight. But when would I come back to my home if i did? I'd chicken out every night.

Tonight will be my first night really "alone" in over 40 yrs. Yes there were the times I visted family out of state or Phil was in the hospital but I knew we'd hold each other again.

Just to feel the touch of his hand holding mine again, I'd give all I own.

 I was doing pretty well until I sat in his favorite chair and saw how even up til the day before he died he was keeping score of his favorite baseball team.

So many little things. Like we played Jeapordy every evening and did word jumbles in the morning paper. I will so miss my best friend lover and husband. Irene

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by REDVETTE on Thu Apr 14, 2011 02:31 AM

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Irene,   I am so very sorry for your loneliness and heartache.  Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you!

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by ILOVEDAD on Thu Apr 14, 2011 03:16 AM

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Irene,

I vividly remember day 1 alone without my amazing Dad - he was my best friend and i worked with him every day.  We always spoke every morning between 8 and 8:30 am.  For the first few days especially I woke in a panic, hysterics, during that time.  I am still continuing with the business without Dad.  Today I was with partners all day out of town. No Dad.  It was a very productive day.  Great meetings.  He'd have been thrilled.  I'd work some then think "I cannot believe my Dad is dead."  Tonight we all went to dinner.  Just so happened we had an extra chair at our table.  I kept thinking Dad would be sitting right here next to me.  Dad should be with me on this trip. 

I called my sister.  Dad and Mom were supposed to be in Vegas with her and her hubby.  She says "Dad was supposed to be in Vegas with us."  She sat by the pool and kept envisioning him in the lounge chair next to her.

My brother says to my sister this evening; "Dad should be watching the hockey game with me tonight."

Mom says; "Poor Dad - I wish he was home with me."

You see - Everyone thought Dad should have been with them tonight.  We all loved him so very very very much and I will not say that at almost 6 weeks it's easier.  The shock has worn off.  Reality is setting in.  Dad isn't coming home.  I haven't dreamt in my sleep since he was diagnosed.  I think of him all the time.  First it was he is sick.  Now it's he is gone.

I am going to grief counseling through Hospice.  It helps meeting people just like me - and you.  I've been recommended to read The Widow's Story too.  It's all good, but nothing will bring my wonderful father back and I am truly heart broken.

We are all a mess.

I feel for you and your family.  I really really do.  It's awful.

Sorry so negative guys.

Amy

 

 

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by eastwest on Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:34 AM

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Hi Amy  When we were heading to Phil's viewing all I could think was that I wanted to be with him alone. I didn't want to share him. But then so many people who loved him came. His former coworkers, all his fishing club buddies. Long time friends, people he coached little league with and now some of the grown kids. It was truly a tribute to his life. I heard the words :Gentleman, Loving and Kind so many times. I am thankful he was able to attend his annual fishing dinner a few weeks ago. But like he always wanted "just one more cast"  I will always want just one more day. Irene

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by Elizabet on Thu Apr 14, 2011 01:03 PM

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Irene,

I am so so sorry to read this.  I don't know what to say.

All my love to you,

Beth

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by mapesuma on Thu Apr 14, 2011 08:14 PM

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Hi Irene,

I cannot imagine what you are going through just now, yet you sound so strong and loving.

I do not believe that you will ever be really alone. I have always believed that my passed loved ones have stayed with me and I believe that Phil will stay with you. So many wonderful memories, so many wonderful years.

I am so happy you are back here with your 'other family'.

Love to you and your boys,

Sue

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by Gretchenmarie on Thu Apr 14, 2011 08:33 PM

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Irene,

My deepest condolences on your loss. It's funny, my husband is still with me, but I know it's just a matter of time and he won't be. I sit up at night reading alot, and I often think about that first night alone without him. You are right, it's no use putting that night off, you have to face it sometime. I'm trying to enjoy every day I have left with my husband, but it's always in the back of my mind, what will I do when he's gone?

My heart aches for you, and hoping your grief will subside some as the days and months go by.

Gretchen

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by ILOVEDAD on Thu Apr 14, 2011 09:56 PM

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Gretchen,

Hug him, kiss him, spend time with him and tell him how much you love him.  I'd give ANYTHING to have my Dad here.  It's been almost 6-weeks.  I will never be complete without him.

The loss is soooooo significant to me and my family.

A.

 

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by ILOVEDAD on Thu Apr 14, 2011 09:58 PM

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Irene - HUGS TO YOU.  I UNDERSTAND YOUR LOSS AND YOUR GRIEF.  PLEASE LOOK INTO GRIEF COUNSELING. 

 

RE: first night alone since he passed away

by sanjim on Thu Apr 14, 2011 10:16 PM

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It has been 6 weeks since my husband, I know how you all feel. Night time is worst time of the day for me, many night we would just set on the porch and watch the stars, I miss him being there with me. I cry almost every night when I go to bed, just to hear him say I love you, one more time is what I miss the most.  I treasure every monent we had together.

My heart also aches for my husband, sometimes I feel his spirit is here with me. I miss him but I know I must go on, maybe one day i will believe the going on part.

You all are in my prayers. Sandra

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