My heart is still breaking!

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My heart is still breaking!

by sanjim on Sun Aug 07, 2011 01:42 PM

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It has now been 5 months since I watched my husband take his last brearhe, I miss him so very much, Who knew 5 months could go bye so fast, I am trying so very hard to go on withoutm making decisions on my own is a struggle, but i know I must go on. Like Irene I had a issue with our cars, avout a month ago I traded Jim's car and mine for a new car, I was trying to keep two cars I finally realized that I was holding on to a part of Jim. I have had a hard time parting with his personal items. Every first holiday, family gathering make me see that no matter how dificult it is I must go on without Jim, we just had a family reunion everybody was remembering him, he was always the one that made a joke or had something to say to make you smile. It was so good to hear everybody remembering him, my heart aches for him. I know I have many  more first coming without him, I think it may be making me a stronger person, My next first will be on 8/16/11, that is the anniversary of the first day we met, it was a blind date 39 years ago, we both new on that first date that we were would be together for a long time, Love at first site, what wonderful memories. I just wish he was here to make more memories, I thank GOD that he is no longer in pain, I know he is in a  better place and I am sure he is there waiting for me. Love you Jim, Sandra

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by eastwest on Wed Aug 10, 2011 12:17 PM

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Dear Sandra  I think no matter how long we travel this road there will always be some grief from the loss of our beloveds.

 If by holding onto Phil's things it could bring him back I'd guard them all like a pit bull.

Our younger son Noel and I cried Sat night. I almost called him and told him to bring back Phil's truck. Crazy but after having it 15 yrs it seemed a part of Phil. But then the new owner found Phil's ring and we both knew it was sign we'd done the right thing in letting it go. Noel said: "Mom I can sleep tonight when I get home now."

 I am sure Jim's love is still near you as I believe Phil's is here with us. Just so hard when it is not in the physical form to be able to share all the little things and decisions. hugs irene

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by sanjim on Wed Aug 10, 2011 06:35 PM

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Dear Irene,

I  know that Jim's love will always be with me. it is so hard at times, like when you have something specical to share with him and then you realize he is no longer there. I am sure you know what I mean, I am sure there are times that you would love to tell Phil someting, it is at times like this is when i get teary eyed, I still tell him and go on. I am slowly parting with his personal items, this is very silly but parting with his dentures was a very difficult to part with, I actually got up every morning and brushed them, like I did when he was not able to brush then, after about 6 weeks one morning I thought about it and just put them in the trash. Some of  the  little thing are hard to part with, a little at a time. I guess all of this is going to make me and you stronger person. God has a plan for all of us and someday we will understand why everthing happens. ((HUGS)) Sandra

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by teachoz on Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:20 AM

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Hi, Sandra

Both of your postings make perfect sense to me!! As you know, I lost Joe 14 months ago.  I have been through so many stages, and there are always things I want to share with him, but then I realize he is looking out for me, and he already knows what I want to tell him.

Since I am selling our house, it was very difficult going through all the things we had collected since 1976. I kept sentimental things that would keep his memory alive, gave some things to people who appreciated them, and then threw stuff out.

Holidays seem a little easier now than they were. Last Christmas was just horrible... the two kids and I didn't know what to do with ourselves.

You have to learn to accept whatever emotion comes along, because I believe we are all exactly where we are supposed to be at this moment.  I talk about Joe all the time with friends. Sometimes it's sad memories and we share tears, but more often it's wonderful memories which make us smile.

Glad to see that you are posting your feelings. Very healthy. Good lucki!

Mary Ann

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by eastwest on Fri Aug 12, 2011 12:33 PM

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Hi Sandra  

 It took me 3 months before I finally disposed of Phil's toothbrush.

Many clothes I donated but some of those very personal items are taking a lot longer. As I cleaned the house, I found, between the 2 of us, over a dozen pairs of old glasses. They went to the Lions club bin at the eye glass store for needy people, but I still have his last pair he got a couple months before he passed. I still have all his Philly jerseys and the grandkids and my DIL  and I wear them to baseball games. His last Phillies sweatshirt we bought on one of our trips into the city for radiation. That is MINE and don't think I'll ever give it up. He also has a couple of flannel shirts that he rolled up the sleeves that I can't bring myself to part with yet. Those personal items just seem to be a way to keep our loved ones with us.

 Phil was a saver. Could have been a hoarder if not for me I think. He kept his old fisnin' mags till I said 2 years back is long enough. But if it could have kept him here I'd let him keep every darn thing. I had a standing joke and told him I knew why we had been married for 40 yrs. Because he didn't get rid of anything. Cleaning out things keeps me busy now.Irene

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by sanjim on Sat Aug 13, 2011 05:06 PM

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Hi Irene,

I think that keeping some of Jim's thing around is a good thing, going through his things brings back some wonder memories. Jim wanted to be cremated I keep his ashes in a curio in our bedroom, when I find something that he treasured I place it in the curio with him. Several years ago for Valentines Day I gave him a silly little frog that plays let me call you sweeheart, it was on our bed post for several years and when he was really down and not feeling well I would play it, it would aslways make him smile, I stilll play it and it brings back the memory of that smile.

Jim  was also a saver/collector, several month before he passed he parted with alot of his treasures, he told me that he did not want me to have to deal with his things after he was gone.

I think we both are going through some very emotional time know, it is a part of our grieving process, good days and bad days are what makes us stronger. One day at a time and make the best of every day, Jim said that every day.

Are you from PA. Jim and i lived in the Pittsburg area for several years, he was a big Steeler fan.

Sandra

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by eastwest on Sun Aug 14, 2011 02:57 PM

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Hi Sandra,

  When we first got married in 1970 the Steelers were the "steel curtain" and Phil got me into football. Well, I became a crazed Steeler fan! Made him order red zone from cable so I can see more Steelers games. (I live in NJ about an hr outside of Philly.)

Our last picture together was this fall and I talked him and our older son into putting on Steeler Jerseys( I have 3). My son took our pic and enlarged it as a gift for our 40 anniversary December 26th. Phil didn't like the pic because it looked like he was ill. But I will treasure it forever. Phil loved the Eagles and Flyers ice hockey. We both loved the Phillys. I just can't bring myself to watch any Philly games at my house, only if I am over our son's. Nothing is the same and I do not like this thing the call "the new normal." irene

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by sanjim on Sun Aug 14, 2011 03:58 PM

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Hi Irene,

I remember the Steel Curtain, Jim and married in 1973, we have always watched the Steelers, My son ( is 34 and disabled , still lives with me, he tried a group home and decided he wanted to move back home) loves the Steelers, I have a photo of the two of them tail gating at a Steeler game in the curio with Jim. We plan to watch the Steelers this season when we can see them ( we live in north Florida so we only see the game that are plaayed in the south). My son being with me the past few months has been a great help to me, he has taken the loss of his Dad much better than I thought he would, when Jim was told the cancer was back my son had several severe mental breakdown, his Doctors have him on a well balanced mix of medicine.

I am still looking for the normal me I just keep changing my routine, I will find the new  normal me someday, I hope. Sandra

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by eastwest on Mon Aug 15, 2011 01:16 PM

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Hi Sandra 

 Our older son Scott is 39 and was distanced from us for many years until he was divorced. Thankfully he reunited with us and the past few years he was able to spend time with his dad. Unfortunately his children were never allowed to be part of our lives so they didn't get to know their grandpa's love. Our younger son Noel 36 lives closeby and we have been able to be part of his children's lives. We were blessed to have such a wonderful DIL. Our DIL just celebrated her bday Sat. It was bittersweet without Phil. Last year as she blew out the candles she looked at Phil and said lovingly: "This wish is for you." Unfortunatley her dad died suddenly 2 yrs ago so now the grandchildren have no grandpas. Just us grandmas. But believe me we shower them with lots of love. Irene

RE: My heart is still breaking!

by bevie665 on Sat Aug 27, 2011 03:47 AM

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On Aug 13, 2011 5:06 PM sanjim wrote:

Hi Irene,

I think that keeping some of Jim's thing around is a good thing, going through his things brings back some wonder memories. Jim wanted to be cremated I keep his ashes in a curio in our bedroom, when I find something that he treasured I place it in the curio with him. Several years ago for Valentines Day I gave him a silly little frog that plays let me call you sweeheart, it was on our bed post for several years and when he was really down and not feeling well I would play it, it would aslways make him smile, I stilll play it and it brings back the memory of that smile.

Jim  was also a saver/collector, several month before he passed he parted with alot of his treasures, he told me that he did not want me to have to deal with his things after he was gone.

I think we both are going through some very emotional time know, it is a part of our grieving process, good days and bad days are what makes us stronger. One day at a time and make the best of every day, Jim said that every day.

Are you from PA. Jim and i lived in the Pittsburg area for several years, he was a big Steeler fan.

Sandra

Hi there  and well i am from Pittsburgh, pa. and a big steeler fan, well i used to me, just lost my dear hubby last thursday 8/18/11   actually on our 10th anniv,    UGH     anyway, saw your post and just had to say i am in pittsburgh and how terribly i hurt   too, am i going crazy????          Thank you and God Bless all

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