painful memories

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painful memories

by clearskies on Sat Sep 24, 2011 04:56 PM

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My mom died from cancer last month.  I'm overwhelmed with painful memories, going with her to the biopsy, being with her when she recevied her diagnosis. I'm glad I was with my mom and hopefully was able to provide some comfort and support for her. But I can't stop thinking about what she had to endure.  It's so hard.  Just needed to share....

RE: painful memories

by crayfish on Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:12 AM

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It isn't right is it? Losing your mom is bad enough but then you have to live with the horrors of her illness and the "what ifs" and "I should haves" rattling around in your head.

Of course you were a comfort to her and I'm sure you did the best you could.

My mom passed 15 years ago, today. Ever once in awhile she passes through in a dream. Those are nice. I can tell you it took a good year for the bad pictures in my head to fade. Hopefully you can find peace sooner.

In the meantime, all you can do is cry. I'm sorry.

RE: painful memories

by PKSstaystrong on Sat Oct 08, 2011 03:45 AM

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Me too. I lost my dad last month. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have painful memories ever since February 15. I remember my dad turned yellow... then he was in the hospital and oh he hated that so bad. He was in the hospital so much. I just remember getting that news. It took them until april to find out what it was. I knew pancreatic cancer was an possibility. But to hear it, my heart broke. I went with him to his chemo treatments, to visit also. So many times I listened to him say "I just can't feel good. I feel so weak and terrible. What happened to me?" I watched him just slowly die. I can't believe I had to sit there and watch that. I wonder how that could ever be fair. I'll never forget the last time my dad looked in my eyes. He gave me such a longing, painful look. It breaks my heart.

RE: painful memories

by JackieJo on Sat Oct 08, 2011 08:37 PM

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I am so sorry for you loss and the pain that you are in. I lost my 58 year old husband Joe to esophageal cancer that had metastasized to his liver and lymph nodes by the time he was diagnosed. The 1 year anniversary of that diagnosis is next week...Oct 15th. He died 9 months later on July 21, 2011. I am haunted by all the pain and suffering he endured during those 9 months. He had to have an esophageal stent put in on April 8, 2011 because the tumor in his esophagus had blocked the passage and the food, liquids and even his saliva could not get past the blockage. He would try to eat or drink and would throw everything up within a couple of minutes. He was so hungry but couldn't eat. The stent worked so that he could start eating again but the liver tumors were unrelenting and growing at an alarming rate. On Friday July 8, 2011 we got the news that there was nothing more that could be done for him. On July 21, 2011 ( 13 days later) at 5:15 AM  he died in the comfort of our home in a hospital bed in  his favorite room in the house...our family room. I was with him when he took his last breathe. That moment is etched in my mind forever. My children arrived at the house just minutes after he died. I try so hard to remember how Joe looked before his cancer diagnosis and all I remember is how he looked the day he died. I look back at pictures of him 9 months earlier and he looked so handsome and healthy but for the life of me in my mind all I see is what cancer did to him in the end. He had gone from looking like a handsome healthy man in his 50's to a frail, emaciated man in his 90's. I think that I'm so traumatized by the cancer, pain and suffering that I watched Joe go through that the image of him when he died is burned in my heart and mind forever. Joe was the love of my life. We did everything together. The only times that we were apart was when we went to work. Our children and grandchildren adored him. Joe was the best husband, father and grandfather anyone could hope for. One of the things  that is haunting me the most is the image of what happened to Joe a few minutes after he passed. We knew that the liver tumors were huge but I never realized how big they were until after his passing, when his body relaxed and he had no more muscle controll to keep the tumors in place...the left side of his chest became extremely lopsided. It was the liver tumors shifting over and pushing all Joes other organs over to the left causing the left side of his chest to become extremely lopsided. I will never be able to get that horrific sight out of my mind. It makes me sick to my stomach. Joe suffered so much but never complained. He was strong because he didn't want us to worry about him. His was always telling us during the rough times of his cancer journey "This too shall pass" and "I'm going to beat this". I knew that he was in a lot of pain at the end but with the tumors so huge I now realize that he must have been in excruciating pain but didn't want us to know. Joe is my heart, my soul and my hero. I will never get over the loss of this wonderful man. I cry constantly and am having a really hard time making it through  the day at work. I work in the medical field and can't be caring for patients with tears streaming down my face so I fight hard to stay in control at work. The drive home  to an empty house is when I break down. I can't help it. By the time I get home I'm a mess. My dogs greet me at the door and are so happy to see me but as much as I love them, all I want are the big hugs and kisses that Joe would greet me with every night. Cancer is an evil disease and I will never understand why there is not a cure for it. My heart breaks for all of us here who are suffering from cancer or taking care of a loved one with cancer or have losed a loved one to cancer. I will be keeping you all close to my heart and in my prayers. Please if anyone knows of any books or literature on grieving and loss, let me know. I can't continue like this much longer. The past year has been a nightmare for me, Joe and my family. It a nightmare that none of us can wake up from.

Love, Hugs and Prayers

JackieJo                                                                                     

RE: painful memories

by eastwest on Sun Oct 09, 2011 02:19 AM

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Hi Jackie   I have several books that have been useful to me. 

 
The Healing Journey through grief by Phil Rich EdD,MSW  It is a journal workbook. I do about a chapter a week(for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one)

Being A Widow by Lynn Caine(she herself is a widow)

Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, M.S.(herself a widow)

Winter Grief, Summer Grace by James Miller( This has religious tones but is beautiful with poems and pictures too also for anyone grieving a loss

Healing Your Grieving Heart by Alan Wolfelt( 100 practical ideas for those grieving)

The Tender Scar( written by a Dr who lost his wife, I don't have the book's author at hand but it is very good)

All of these I got on Amazon and have found helpful. Irene

RE: painful memories

by JackieJo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 09:02 PM

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Thank you so much. I have the book Widow to Widow but haven't had a chance to read that one yet. I will definitely be ordering some of the other books you suggested on Amazon. I miss my husband so much and the raw pain of grief is killing me. I feel like I will never be able to claw my way out of this. I'm praying that though reading these books they will bring us peace, strength and comfort.  

Hugs and prayers

JackieJo

RE: painful memories

by JackieJo on Sun Oct 09, 2011 09:03 PM

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Thank you so much. I have the book Widow to Widow but haven't had a chance to read that one yet. I will definitely be ordering some of the other books you suggested on Amazon. I miss my husband so much and the raw pain of grief is killing me. I feel like I will never be able to claw my way out of this. I'm praying that though reading these books they will bring us peace, strength and comfort.  

Hugs and prayers

JackieJo

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