6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

11 Posts | Page(s): 1 2  Next 

6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by JackieJo on Sun Jan 22, 2012 03:53 AM

Quote | Reply

Hi everyone

Today has been a very difficult day. It was 6 months ago today that Joe passed away from esophageal cancer with mets to the liver and lymph nodes after a 9 month battle with this monster. I don't feel like I've made much progress in dealing with the grief. I still cry every day...not as much as I did when Joe first passed away but almost. Anything can set me off at anytime. A song, a thought, a memory or a picture of Joe can bring me to tears. I cut back my work schedule to 3 days a week. I just don't have the stamina or energy to work full time anymore. I feel like the life has drained out of me since Joe died. I miss Joe with all my heart and soul. The only time we weren't together was when we were working. Other then that we were always together. I feel so lost without him. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Joe was my life...my soul mate. How I hate this evil disease!!!

My heart breaks for all of us here on CC. I pray daily that a cure will be found for cancer this year so that no one else has to endure the hell that we have endured. Keeping all of my CC friends close to my heart and in my prayers. Thank you for all your kind words and prayers. I could have never made it this far without your caring and concern.

Love and Prayers

JackieJo

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by sanjim on Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:44 PM

Quote | Reply

Hi JackieJo,

We all have difficult days and I think about you all a lot,all of my friends here on CC have really helped me through some real har times. It has been 10 months since I lost my Jim, and still so many things can set me to tears. How long were you and Joe married? Jim and I were married for 38 years, I also feel lost without him. I have not been able to work for some time now due to orthopedic problems, I have way too much time to think. I did recently join a church, we have a very good Pastor, he has made it a point to get me to go to the chuchmfor things. One day I was setting here in one of my crying mood and he sent me a text to come to bible study, I went and I am stil going, I think that God has brought us together,we met in a bowling alley. I had taken my son their for his league bowling and  met Pastor Tim, it was the first time that my son bowled on a league and Pastor Tim's wife tried to talk him out of bowling this year because he was recovering from surgery. this church is small and everybody is like family.

I will keep you in my prayers, they say God will not give you more than you can handle. There has to be a reason that we all are going through all of the pain and lonliness only God has he answer.

Love and Prayes to you also,

Sandra

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by JackieJo on Mon Jan 23, 2012 01:20 AM

Quote | Reply

Hi Sandra

I know that every one here is going through the hell that cancer and death brings with it. It's just that I feel like I should be making more progress as far as grieving goes. Joe and I met 17 years ago and were married 16 years. Both of us were divorced and had been in bad marriages before we met. I knew almost instantly that he was the man I wanted to grow old with. Sadly cancer stole him from me and my children and grandchildren. My ex husband is not in my kids lives. They loved Joe more then the did their biological father. Joe treated them like his own and loved them unconditionally. He had no children from his first marriage and was so thrilled to be a dad and grandfather. As time went on he became a papa to our grandchildren. Our children and grandchildren are devastated that Joe is gone. As a matter of fact today is our grandson Nicholas' 9 birthday and after he opened gifts he had my daughter tie a piece of birthday cake... in a zip lock baggie... to a bunch of his birthday balloons and we all went outside and Nicholas let the balloons go and float away to heaven. He was so thrilled to have sent his Papa balloons and a piece of his birthday cake in heaven. Our granddaughter Kendall turned 4 last November and did the same thing with her balloons and a piece of cake. Joe was so loved and will be missed by all of us for as long as we live.

I think its wonderful that you and Jim were married for 38 years. I can totally understand feeling lost without him. I'm so happy that you have Pastor Tim and his wife to help you through this difficult journey. I love small churches because everyone knows everyone else in the parish and are always there to help out when someone is in need.  

Thank you for your prayers and kind words. Only those of us who have walked this cancer path can fully understand the hell that we are all going through. I know in my heart that God has a plan for all of us. I only wish that it didn't include losing our husbands to cancer.

Love and Prayers

JackieJo

 

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by sanjim on Mon Jan 23, 2012 03:00 PM

Quote | Reply

Hi JackieJo,

I don't know why we are going through all of the pain and heart aches, i often ask God why, why did you take my Jim away from me? Jim and I have a very happy marriage, he retired in 2003 and we moved tom Florida, someting that we planned all of our married life. Shortly after we moved here he got a part time job and a few months later I also got a part time job. We worked together at a hotel together until he was di. with cancer, we also have a small farm that we both loved, I am trying to keep the farm going, I have goats and chickens. do have a son9he is disabled and can not drive, he dose what he can) who helped me with the farm. From the time Jim retired ( he was 53 years old) until the cancer took him away we were together 24/7. I am so happy that we had all of this time together.

I really like what your grandchildren did with ballons, I am sure that they will continue doing this for many years to come.

IO really love our church I havemade so many new friends, one thing that Pastor Tim dose in his service is he tell us to greet other church members, everybody hugs and greet everybody in the church, when I walk into the church I can feel the love of all of the members. Shortly after I started to go to this church I had to have knee surgery, my new friends brought dinner to my home for a week. This Friday I have to have surgery(cervical fusion) again and I am sure they will again take care of me and my son. PastorTim will be at the hospital while I am in surgery, and until I am of recovery.

I am rambleing again, I tend to do that, but this is like a theraphy to me. All of us who have lost there our husband need to share things with each other. Before I lost my husband i would read all of the post for colon cancer, but I did not post anything until after Jim died. Knowing that you understand what I am going through is a comfort to me.

keeping you all in my prayers, LOVE Sandra

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by eastwest on Mon Jan 23, 2012 04:55 PM

Quote | Reply

Hi JackieJo      I love what your granchildren do on their birthday. Such a sweet way to include Joe in the celebration.

 So many times on bdays these past months I have been wanting to add Phil's name to the cards. I just feel he is still part of us or a part of me.

Like you, I still cry and it could be anything that sets me off. I think this exhaustion is part of our grief.

Our older son Scott (age 39)was in the hospital over the weekend with mini strokes.He is okay for the moment but the nero dr said he needs to make huge changes in his life style. I don't want to think I might loose him too. Hopefully this is a wake up call.

Yesterday I got an email from the president of the national story tellers. I won 2nd place for one of my stories! The weird thing was that I sent my story to them 2 yrs ago in March, months before Phil was even correctly diagnosed.(The dr was just doing dilations.) It seems strange to hear from them at this late date. Phil always encouraged me to keep sending my stories out after I got rejections back in the mail. After he passed last April it wasn't in me for months to even write again except in my journal. I was happy to hear about winning but so sad that Phil is not physically here to share my joy with. I do think that he is somewhere smiling about it. Irene

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by CarmensWife on Thu Jan 26, 2012 07:09 PM

Quote | Reply

Oh my Goodness,

It has also been 6 months for us... on the 25th. My husband passed away from brain cancer, and on the 24th, last week our 49 yr old friend, who is our youngestest daughters Godmother died of espohigial cancer. Im sorry for your loss.

I am starting a widow " class" tonight I joined back in august, but it was way to soon. So tonight, Ill try again. Its for young widows, 45 and under, Im just making it in the class,age wise.

Ill pray for all of us, and If I learn anything wise tonight, Ill share with you all

Linda

 

 

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by JackieJo on Fri Jan 27, 2012 09:39 PM

Quote | Reply

Its been difficult but I am starting to see a tiny bit of improvement in my grieving. Not much but its a start and I'll take any step forward to be able to get the greiving monkey off my back. As long as I live I will alway have this pain in my heart and an emptiness in my soul because Joe is gone. Right now all I want to do is feel better and be able to cope with going on without the love of my life. I've been feeling physically horrible for the past few months...depression, heartburn, reflux, lots of scary chest pain, feeling like I can't take a deep breath, dry cough, stomach pain, muscle pain and pure exhaustion to the point that I have to force myself get out of bed in the morning. I finally couldn't take the pain and the fear any more so I decided to find out if it's physical or if its stress related. Remember, I work in the medical field and most of us in this profession are the worst patients. We try to heal ourselves without letting anyone know we are having a problem. To start with, I had my physical a couple of weeks ago. Even though my ECG was the same as the last one I had over a year ago, my doc insisted I see a cardiologist just to be safe. She also ordered a chest CT scan to make sure that there are no problems with my lungs or chest area. I had that done yesterday and Thank God that was completely normal. I saw the cardiologist this past Monday and that ECG was also normal but the cardiologist wants to do an Echo and stress test just to be sure. My cardiologist who is also a woman spoke with me at length about Broken Heart Syndrome. Its a real problem. She told me that when we lose a loved one some of us can actually die from this syndrome because the stress and grieving can take a toll on our heart muscles. Dr Kagaoan said that after a short time it can actually weaken our heart muscles and is a very dangerous condition. My Echo and Stress Test are on Feb. 6th. My PCP also took a ton of blood work which all came out good except that I am ever so slightly anemic. Nothing to worry about. I'm so relieved that all the testing is fine but now I feel like a crazy hypochondriac!!! Praying that my Stress Test is normal so that I can get my act together and find a way to accept that Joe is gone.  I know he wouldn't want me to continue on a path that can ruin my health. Easier said then done but I know Joe wouldn't want me to continue living like this. But OH how I miss my wonderful hubby!!!

Sandra...Please don't ever think that you're rambling. Just take a look at my post. Its turned into a novel! All of us here need someone who understands us because sadly we are all walking the same path of grieving. Someone who has never experienced the loss of a loved one could never understand the thoughts, hurt and never ending pain that we are going through. We know first hand how we are all feeling and it's gutt wrenching. Helping others in the same situations we're in helps us to get through our own grief. Not of us want to be here on CC but its a life saver and a comfort zone for those of us that are trying to cope with a life without our soul mates or other family members. I know that posting about Joe helps so much because of the love and support here. We all NEED to continue to talk about our loved ones even though they are now living in in heaven.

 

Irene...First off how is your son Scott doing. I will diffinetly keep him in my prayers. Big congratulations for winning 2nd place for your writtings!!! Thats wonderful!!! This is such a positive in your life and I believe its a sign from Phil and God to continue writting. I feel/know in my heart that Phil is so very proud of you!!!

 

Linda...I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Joe passed away on 7/21/2011 just 4 days before your husband. The day your husband passed was the day of Joe's funeral. So sad. How did your widow class go? Is it helping? Cancer is so evil and destroys go many lives. I HATE cancer so much. My heart breaks for all of us here trying to cope with our loss.  

I am keeping you all close to my heart and in my continuing prayers. May God show us peace and comfort in these trying and difficult days that we are forced to endure.

Love, Hugs and Prayers

JackieJo

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by JackieJo on Fri Jan 27, 2012 09:43 PM

Quote | Reply

It’s been difficult but I am starting to see a tiny bit of improvement in my grieving. Not much but it’s a start and I'll take any step forward to be able to get the greiving monkey off my back. As long as I live I will always have this pain in my heart and emptiness in my soul because Joe is gone. Right now all I want to do is feel better and be able to cope with going on without the love of my life. I've been feeling physically horrible for the past few months...depression, heartburn, reflux, lots of scary chest pain, feeling like I can't take a deep breath, dry cough, stomach pain, muscle pain and pure exhaustion to the point that I have to force myself get out of bed in the morning. I finally couldn't take the pain and the fear any more so I decided to find out if it's physical or if its stress related. Remember, I work in the medical field and most of us in this profession are the worst patients. We try to heal ourselves without letting anyone know we are having a problem. To start with, I had my physical a couple of weeks ago. Even though my ECG was the same as the last one I had over a year ago, my doc insisted I see a cardiologist just to be safe. She also ordered a chest CT scan to make sure that there are no problems with my lungs or chest area. I had that done yesterday and Thank God that was completely normal. I saw the cardiologist this past Monday and that ECG was also normal but the cardiologist wants to do an Echo and stress test just to be sure. My cardiologist who is also a woman spoke with me at length about Broken Heart Syndrome. Its a real problem. She told me that when we lose a loved one some of us can actually die from this syndrome because the stress and grieving can take a toll on our heart muscles. Dr Kagaoan said that after a short time it can actually weaken our heart muscles and is a very dangerous condition. My Echo and Stress Test are on Feb. 6th. My PCP also took a ton of blood work which all came out good except that I am ever so slightly anemic. Nothing to worry about. I'm so relieved that all the testing is fine but now I feel like a crazy hypochondriac!!! Praying that my Stress Test is normal so that I can get my act together and find a way to accept that Joe is gone. I know he wouldn't want me to continue on a path that can ruin my health. Easier said then done but I know Joe wouldn't want me to continue living like this. But OH how I miss my wonderful hubby!!!

Sandra...Please don't ever think that you're rambling. Just take a look at my post. Its turned into a novel! All of us here need someone who understands us because sadly we are all walking the same path of grieving. Someone who has never experienced the loss of a loved one could never understand the thoughts, hurt and never ending pain that we are going through. We know first hand how we are all feeling and it's gutt wrenching. Helping others in the same situations we're in helps us to get through our own grief. Not of us want to be here on CC but its a life saver and a comfort zone for those of us that are trying to cope with a life without our soul mates or other family members. I know that posting about Joe helps so much because of the love and support here. We all NEED to continue to talk about our loved ones even though they are now living in heaven.

Irene...First off how is your son Scott doing. I will definitely keep him in my prayers. Big congratulations for winning 2nd place for your writings!!! That’s wonderful!!! This is such a positive in your life and I believe its a sign from Phil and God to continue writing. I feel/know in my heart that Phil is so very proud of you!!!

Linda...I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Joe passed away on 7/21/2011 just 4 days before your husband. The day your husband passed was the day of Joe's funeral. So sad. How did your widow class go? Is it helping? Cancer is so evil and destroys go many lives. I HATE cancer so much. My heart breaks for all of us here trying to cope with our loss.

I am keeping you all close to my heart and in my continuing prayers. May God show us peace and comfort in these trying and difficult days that we are forced to endure.

Love, Hugs and Prayers

JackieJo

 

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by eastwest on Sat Jan 28, 2012 06:25 PM

Quote | Reply

Hi JackieJo       NOW, as I work through my own grief, I understand how many spouses pass away fairly soon after their loved one. It is so exhausting. I remember that first week after Phil was gone. I ached all over and could barely move. Now that comes and goes with however much stress I am feeling at the time. I am trying to encourage myself with the little things I accomplish. Like: I got the bills out today, I called the phone company yesterday and got my wireless working at last, I took a 2 mile walk Thursday and i finally caught up with dental, gyn and eye dr appts.these past 9 months. We can only do so much and expect so much from ourselves. And without our partner it is entirely different. but we especially need to take care of ourselves now. So glad you are doing that! Irene

RE: 6 Months Ago Today I Lost The Love Of My Life

by heyjude52 on Mon Jan 30, 2012 05:17 AM

Quote | Reply

On Jan 28, 2012 6:25 PM eastwest wrote:

Hi JackieJo       NOW, as I work through my own grief, I understand how many spouses pass away fairly soon after their loved one. It is so exhausting. I remember that first week after Phil was gone. I ached all over and could barely move. Now that comes and goes with however much stress I am feeling at the time. I am trying to encourage myself with the little things I accomplish. Like: I got the bills out today, I called the phone company yesterday and got my wireless working at last, I took a 2 mile walk Thursday and i finally caught up with dental, gyn and eye dr appts.these "" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://appts.these " target="_blank" rel="nofollow">appts.these past 9 months. We can only do so much and expect so much from ourselves. And without our partner it is entirely different. but we especially need to take care of ourselves now. So glad you are doing that! Irene

hi jackiejo, and eastwest,

i too share you grief and thaughts very much the same as you both do, as i lost my partner in november 2010, after a 9 month battle with cancer of the sinus and oesophagus with mets to liver and kidney..

 much to my distress after caring for him and keeping him at home with palative care i ended up having a stroke 10 days before he passed  , at least i was able to be with him the last three days, as i was able to leave the hospital in time to say goodbye to him.

my G.P. in formed my of the ' broken heart syndrome',

looking back over the last year and two months i can see it certainly has been a battle trying to reinvent myself to survive with out him. so i had a double whammy of healing from grief and stroke, not to mention the pheunomia and asthma, i ended up with. I do believe my immune system is shot to pieces even tho i eat fresh seafood, fruit and vegies ect, and take magnesium and cq10...fish oil. and yes i am still trying to accomplish little things at a time, as i seem to get into such a disorganised state at times.I too must go to the dentist, also i have just got back to the gym to try to repair oneself and get back into the big wide world.

 after being  invited to dinner with an old friend, i thaught maybe it is time to move on, but i feel i just don't have yhe motivation anymore, i am just not that into having an affair with another man, i still want to grieve for my partner i lost, not for self pity but more to do with i never want to forget him.we had some amazing journeys togeather,both through travelling and working, i too do not think i will ever love or find someone to replace him...i know i have to let go, but just not yet......

oh yes have you heard anything about oudave, i too really appreciated his posts and ,he helped me with words of wisdom as well...where are you? OUDAVE  

JUDE...

 

11 Posts | Page(s): 1 2  Next 
Subscribe to this message board discussion

We care about your feedback. Let us know how we can improve your CancerCompass experience.