My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

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My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by CSahler91 on Thu Aug 29, 2013 06:35 AM

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Hello,

    I don't really know where to begin. In June, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. Just this month, we found out that it spread. When we found out in June, I was a wreck. Then, We found out that her tumor was shrinking so I started feeling hope. things were easier to deal with and my mom was in high spirits... Then, after her tumor was small enough to remove, we were slammed with the news that the doctors could not go through with the surgery due to the fact that the cancer spread to her bowels. I am trying SO hard to stay positive for my mother. She is my best friend. She raised me by herself and she is my whole world. I am married, but no one will ever love me as much as my mother does. No one will ever understand me as much as my mom does. No one will stay up with me for hours, laughing about stupid things that no one else will understand, while drinking coffee, and trading youtube videos. NO ONE will ever replace that... I am 22 years old and my mom's only child. I am a nelywed to a man in the military and a month after we moved, my mom was diagnosed... I feel SO guilty for not being there. I mean, I flew down as soon as I could, but my mother is alone. My husband and I offered to have her move in with us, but she doesn't need to be uprooted from everything she is comfortable with.

   My mom promises to fight, but her spirits are lower than ever. Her husband works out of town all week, her friends don't know exactly how to be there for her, and I live nearly a thousand miles away. I call her many times a day, but the guilt of not being there is constant. I NEED to be there with her, but she insists that I need to be with my husband. She says that it would upset her if she knew that I was away from my husband, during our first year of marriage, because of her. The scariest thing was that, as I was leaving from this last visit with her, she started crying, saying that this visit might be the very last time I see her... Hearing that is like being hit by an semi, then the driver throwing it in reverse, then the semi going forward again... Every. Single. Day. Constantly. I just.... There are no words for how much this eats at a person's soul.

    My husband is another issue. I mean, he is as supportive as he can be, but he just doesn't know how to be there for me. Most of the time, he just stays silent while I sob. He doesn't even touch me. I try to reach out, but he just gets so awkward. I am starting to resent my own husband because he just doesn't know how to help me. No one can help me, but he doesn't even try to comfort me anymore. I refuse to cry in front of my mom. She needs good, supportive vibes. On top of that, I am just SO damn angry. I can't control it. It is so irrational too. Like, I am angry that my husband's mother is healthy and mine isn't. I am angry that his mother has 5 grandchildren, from his other siblings, but my mom might not even be alive to see her only child have a baby. She wants to be a grandmother so badly, she can hardly stand it. I resent my own grandparents for being healthy. I resent my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I KNOW that this is wrong. I KNOW that it isn't fair, but I can't freaking control it. I am hurting so damn badly, but I don't know what to do because I am alone. I CAN'T lose her. She is the only human being that keeps me sane. Like I said, she is my world. She is only 43... I know that life isn't fair... I get that, but I just can't wrap my head around this. I don't want to be angry with God anymore, but I can't seem to help that either. I don't want to be angry with people that don't deserve it. I don't want to be angry that other people have healthy mothers. That isn't a fair thing for me to do. I am just so lost. I feel like I am at war with myself. I have NEVER been a petty person. I have NEVER resented anyone for being in a "better" situation than me. I have always been completely grateful when others' lives were running smoothly. It is almost like my mother's cancer has brought out this nasty, jealous side to me. This isn't me.

   More than anything, I Just wish I could take this cancer from my mother. I wish I could give her my health. I wish I could just protect her and make sure she was never in the position to hurt again. I wish I was the one in chemo. I wish I could take away every ounce of worry from her... My mother is the most loving, supportive, talented, caring, witty, funny, genuine, giving, selfless person I know. I just... I just don't know how to deal with this. 

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by PunkyD on Thu Aug 29, 2013 09:34 PM

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I am so sad for you and your mom.  I can hear from your letter how much turmoil and anguish you are in.  Yes, the diagnosis is always a shock.  It sounds like you and your mom have a really special relationship.  It is alright to feel all of the things you feel!!! You are allowed to be angry!!!  

About your husband and being supportive-many men have trouble dealing with a very emotional situation.  They just don't know what to do!!!  You have to tell him.  

Having a support system is so important.  Can your aunts and uncles help your mom?  Can you convince your mom to come stay with you?  Does she have friends that can help her?  it is such a tough and painful situation.  If you NEED to be there with her, GO!  Will your husband support you?

I'm sorry that I don't have any original advice.  Though I do understand your pain.  

I will pray for you and your mom.  Do whatever you feel you have to, for you and your mom and don't be so hard on yourself.  Hang in there........... 

Punky

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by I-2-no-thepain on Wed Sep 11, 2013 10:30 PM

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I too know how you feel -My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 C ovarian Cancer - In February 2010 - I was unaware of this cancer . She was told on a Wednesday morning and that evening went into surgery. I knew that Cancer has come a long way and are the death rate has decreased. So my mom whom Is the world to me and my family were positive. It was scary but her with the chemo her numbers went down and we were hopeful but not more that 3months after her final treatment her cancer came back and her number shot through the roof! I went into full on panic mode - I cried like I have never had in my life- My mom and Dad are my two best friends in the whole world - its like no matter how complicated life is and friends in and out out your life - you feel firmly stable because of them. To lose my mom would be so hard - Cant imagine- She is so loving and giving more than one can imagine. Well she went through varies different types of treatment and some of them worked and we were hopeful again just for some time . Then the treatment that worked the best stopped working and her numbers shot up and it started to spread .-the fear came back Her doctor said we can give one more try to the 1st treatment and see how the cancer response - so she agreed , she lost all her hair again , and this is her 3rd treatment and we received great news today her numbers came down, God grated us a little more time. Every Day I pray and cry For God to give me and my children more time - I wish I too could take it away from her _ I wish for a miracle for it to disappear . My mother and father have planned her burial and set up a room for her to pass away in when the time comes BUT just to know these things kill a bit of me inside- I know my mom is sad too but tries to be positive for us and she tells us that Jesus helps her be strong and help her with the pain and she knows that she will see us in Heaven which iI know someday we will see her there. ALL I can say Is I wish for there to be a cure for this Cancer stuff and that I could have Comforting words to sooth both yours and my pain - but Unfortunately , I have no magic words - But reading the Bible and prayer brings some peace - Have your mom also do the same , it is scary for her too, at least let her find some peace to know God (jesus) can be with her when you can't . And to make sure you do what you want to because you don't want to have regrets to live with and wish to change what you should have done later . I know its hard - I work full time and I too need to find time to spend with my mom ---- everyday with her could be numbered So spend time when you can! And just cry and build memories while you can - Be positive for your moms sake. let her know your are strong ( when really your not) so she can not worry about you. I wish you strength and that you are not alone - my mom too has Cancer and I love her. And Life isn't fair and I always tell my children that....

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by robertvital1 on Thu Oct 03, 2013 04:39 PM

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i know what you are going through.. my wife has ovarian cancer stage 3 and we battling this  now for 6 years.  just this tuesday the dr said chemo isnt working anymore, and there is nothing else they can do. they gave her 6 months to live, could be less. she is only 37 we have a 6yr old daughter and a 10 yr old son that i will have to raise them with out there mommy and im fearful of that.  all you can do is be there for your mom and tell her you LOVE EVERYDAY.

God bless you,

Robert

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by CarolynSue70 on Sun Nov 03, 2013 04:18 AM

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This sounds like a situation I am in with my daughter.  I have been diagnosed with Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer.  My daughter is devastated about it and says she can't live without me if i die.  We have always been best friends, as her dad was not around when she was growing up.  My daughter is angry that I am sick and that feeling is normal.  Sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't realize just how sick I am because I still go to work and pretty much do everything I use to do.  I have been having foot and hand problems, a side effect from the chemo.  I really don't have a solution for you and your mom, but you will be in my prayers, but remember, God doesn't put anymore on you than you can bear.  Some days my daughter gets so mad and upset about my disease, she has a good cry and then she feels better.  You are stronger than you think you are!  God Bless

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by Kjohnchas on Sun Nov 03, 2013 07:46 AM

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I'm so sorry this cancer has touched your life,,,,I think you need outside help,find a good counselor,when my mother had cancer,it was too late to think anything. She had a stomache tumor,and lived 3 months,for years she told us this,but the doctors and all the tests never found it till it was too late. After she died I couldn't cope with anything,job,kids,husband,all I did was cry,I went for outside help cause I had no choice,and it did help,please don't let this anger eat at you,and you have nothing to feel guilty about,and your mom knows that ,if it was me I would stay with my mom and trust that my husband would have to understand ,and pray ,you are so young best to you kathy

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by Maisie222 on Mon Apr 06, 2015 10:50 PM

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It's ok to be upset I'm only twelve and this hit me like a brick too , my mum went from being a strong mother figure to a sick fighter who isn't an exersise loving fitness freak anymore she is constantly in hospital and I can't deal with it anymore it's to hard. But I have to and if I can get through this u can too xx

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by genemyers on Wed Feb 21, 2018 04:59 AM

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I would recommend you call CancerCare, a nonprofit. This is a nonprofit that has oncology social workers you can talk to for free and get emotional support, advice and access to resources on how to cope with the many facets of your sitation.  Their number is 800-813-HOPE (4673); or email them atinfo@cancercare.org. Their website is www.cancercare.org/counseling.

I could have written your post a few years ago as I felt most of the emotions your are going through when my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer.  My heart goes out to you. 

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by Humannnnnnnnn on Thu Aug 09, 2018 03:00 PM

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Please for your family put it in similar pages or sites

Whenever your dear is in the serious level of cancer and doctors has disshoped her this maybe ignite a little hope in you search and read about "cryonics

RE: My mom has cancer and I don't know how to deal with it.

by jessyjay21 on Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:34 PM

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My mom was just diagnosed with colorectal cancer.
How is your mom?

I don't know how to deal with this. I feel like I will die if something happens to my mom. 

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