how to continue on?

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how to continue on?

by jacq-e on Sun Aug 10, 2014 05:48 AM

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The end is coming to quickly and i worry that im not prepared.

I will never be prepared to let him go, to say good bye, and his final wish are in order but here is what worries me!

How does the spoused left behind learn to take the (half) they are and make it a whole?

My husband did the driving yesterday he was life flighted to a trama center 2 and half hours away because he coughed and shreaded an artery inside his neck, he was spraying blood from his trac and mouth. I didnt even know this was possible? They injected his throat with epinfrin to swell it shut and flew him out. In the block and half from the hospital he lost over 4 pints of blood. 

Traumatic, yes! I i drove the two plus hours to the hospital i panic i dont do the driving never have, there was a point i pulled over and fliped out, it scares me how do i learn to do all the things he contributs in our relationship. 

Who fixes the sink when it leakes, or gives our son the sex talk, who walks our girls down the aisle at there weddings or cheers when they graduate highschool, college.  Who helps me spoil the grand babys?

I feel like im alone half a person now... He is my left hand, my tools to fix and repair, he is the strength and foundation who my our family soild, i feel incomplete and am not sure if i can hold us together.?

Any advice on the steps to moving on after they pass?

Thanks 

RE: how to continue on?

by carrieg55 on Sun Aug 10, 2014 06:09 PM

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Jacq-e I am so sorry to read your post my heart goes out to you, it is a few days short of three months that I lost my husband I also thought what do I do now....it is hard its a journey we never wanted to be on some days you will do nothing and that is okay no matter how prepared we think we are when it happens we never are.

You will put one foot in front of the other and some days you will feel like you are back stepping its okay it takes time be kind to yourself and take all the time you need.

I have been overwhelmed many days, it passes I take a deep breath and think how can I solve this problem, yes its difficult when things break around the house and of course they do then I find myself wishing hubby was here so I can ask him what should we do.

Its baby steps after they pass.

Carrie

RE: how to continue on?

by jacq-e on Sun Aug 10, 2014 06:53 PM

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Thank you carry

Its crazy i woke up in the motel this morning and with out even thinking told him that we needed to get up and get going... I open my eye of course he is not there. 

He in the hospital. 

I feel like i cant breath most the time. 

CAncer sucks

RE: how to continue on?

by JackieJo on Sun Aug 10, 2014 09:47 PM

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Jacq-e....I could have written your post 3 years ago. Reading what you wrote made me flash back to when my husband Joe was in the final stages of his cancer journey...Esophageal cancer with mets to the liver and nodes. Like your husband Joe did most of the driving and he was the one that kept our bank account up to date and paid the bills...he was an accountant...he loved to cook and did most of the cooking. He was Mr Fix-it when things needed repair in our house. Joe was a loving and very protective husband and father. He loved taking care of us and loved life. After a 9 month battle with cancer and many chemo treatments, tests and set backs he passed away peacefully at 5:15 AM on July 21, 2011. Through out his cancer battle he was always upbeat and had a positive attitude that he would beat this monster. 13 days before he passed away his oncologist broke the news to us that there was nothing more that could be done to try to save his life. Even though his primary cancer was in his esophagus it was the liver tumors that took his life. Two days before he passed away he told me that he wasn't afraid to die but that he was terrified of the pain his death would cause me, our children and our grandchildren. That was so Joe...even on his death bed he was more worried about his family then he was about the pain he was in and his own death. He was only 58 years old when he died. He had no medical issues other then GERD...acid reflux. Joe was active and very healthy. Being in the medical field I was able to grant Joe his last wish and that was to let him die at home in the surroundings that he loved. A few days before he passed I had to ask him for the password to out bank account...I didn't even know that. Since his death I have been through a lot...anyone who loses the love of their life...their soul mate...their reason for living is not going to have a easy time of it, especially in the first few months after their loss. I promise you that it will get easier as time goes on. The painof losing a loved one never ever goes away but you learn to cope with it and try to move on in life. I still have days where I have a meltdown and wish with all of my heart that Joe was still here with me. I miss him so much but I know that he is gone. One of the things that really keep me going are the signs that he sends me to let me know that he is still with me. Another thing that keeps me going are the wonderful memories and pictures of our life together. Cancer can steal our loved ones from us but it can never take away the beautiful memories of our life together. I was not prepared to say good-bye to Joe but I had no choice. Make the most of your time together and reassure your husband how much you love him and will treasure the memories of your time together. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Praying that all of us here on Cancer Compass can find peace and comfort in the months ahead.

Love, hugs and continuing prayers;

JackieJo

RE: how to continue on?

by JackieJo on Sun Aug 10, 2014 09:55 PM

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I also want to add please remember to be gentle on yourself. Being a caretaker can drain all of our reserve. Don't worry about the small stuff right now...housework, laundry etc. Take this time to spend as much time with you husband as possible... even if he's sleeping just sit next to his bed. Its really important to do that. It will bring him comfort just knowing that you're right there next to him. If friends and family offer to cook something and drop it off to you or if they offer to run errands for you...take them up on it. Just please concentrate on you, your children and your husband. When all is said and done you'll be glad that you did. 

Hugs

JackieJo

RE: how to continue on?

by dchor61 on Tue Aug 12, 2014 02:47 PM

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Lets take this one day at a time. Breathe........take every day for what it is. I know something about the panic one goes through when someone they love is going to die. I lost my 29 year old daughter 2 months after a serious car accident she was in. When you feel yourself freaking out...stop and do some deep breathing, it really works. It brings you back down. The future will take care of it self. It;s important that you have support around you...........arms to fall ito when you can't stand alone. Life will never be the normal you know, but you will find a new normal and you will come out of this with wisdom and a vision. And you will hold onto whats important and dearest to you.

God bless you!

RE: how to continue on?

by eternalife on Tue Aug 12, 2014 09:50 PM

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Oh Jackie Joe, there are so many similarities from your last post, Mark was an accountant, he did all the finances and I didn't get the password til he was in the hospital for the last time a week before he died.. he took care of it all and everyone else... he didn't speak about how it would affect me and the kids.. his heart was broken and he was angry and depressed all rolled into one... I didn't bring up or ask many questions as it was all too painful for him.. he was just 56 when he died of EC same cancer as your Joe... way too young..

I do have signs from him while I used to see two white birds flying over head , now I see one.. this weekend a white bird feather fell on my car bonnet and I thought.. he is messaging me again.. he is with me.. always...

Take care, one day at a time.. we will never be rid of the pain cancer has given us.. but we can think of those happy special times we shared with our husbands...they will be with us forever... :)

Hugs,

RE: how to continue on?

by JackieJo on Wed Aug 13, 2014 12:14 AM

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I'm amazed at how many similarities there are in our lives! I always said that Mark and Joe were a lot alike but I never knew just how much alike they really were until your post. Yes Mark and Joe were way to young to pass away. I always thought that Joe and I would have many many more years to grow old together. As much as Joe suffered for the whole 9 months of his cancer journey he always thought he was going to beat this monster...until 13 days before he died when his oncologist broke the news to us that there was nothing more that could be done. From that minute on I could see that Joe...for the first time since his diagnosis...was no longer positive that he was going to win his battle. He just gave up. It broke my heart to see him lose his positive attitude and his fight and give in the the fact that cancer was going to win. The day that he told me that he wasn't afraid to die but that he was terrified of the pain his passing was going to cause me and our family, he also told me that "it won't be long now". Two days later he died. 

I love the story about the signs from Mark and the 2 white birds and about the white feather that fell on your car bonnet. Yes Mark will always be with you and Joe will always be with me too but no matter how many years go by I will always miss Joe's physical presence beside me. It's been exactly 3 year since Joe died. I'm doing better then I was 2 years ago but I'm still in so much pain wanting to have my Joe back. Your last paragraph says it all..the pain will always be there for us but we have so many wonderful memories that we have to help us through the difficult times. Yes they will be with us forever!! You and I were so very lucky to have had such loving, caring and giving husbands. We are truly blessed.

Praying that you and I and everyone that has lost or is facing the loss of a loved one... that we all find peace and comfort in our hearts. 

Love, Hugs and Continuing Prayers;

JackieJo

RE: how to continue on?

by JuanVer on Mon May 18, 2015 06:57 PM

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I'm so sorry to hear that.. It's not going to be easy and not going to be fast but you will be ok at the end. Don't lose hope, be strong. You will never stop missing him but it will get better and better. Except for birthdays/weddings/graduations... That will always involve mixed feelings.

RE: how to continue on?

by MaggieFla on Tue May 19, 2015 03:40 AM

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God bless you & your husband, the end frightens me also, I can't imagine my life without him!  My husband has lung cancer, stage 4. It's been a whirlwind, the last month.  Your traumatic experience  is unbelievably  scarey!   We had an 11day hospital stay that seemed to go on forever, I only came home to eat and sleep. I am trying to focus on the moment and not think too far ahead.  I pray for the strength to contend with all the challenges that are to come, my prayers also for you and yr family 

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