need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

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silverotter silverotter
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need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by silverotter on Wed Nov 05, 2014 08:10 PM

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my mom passed away from cancer at age 52 in late April 2014. she was my best friend and it was an awful couple of years seeing her hurting and in so much pain. when she died my dad was devastated. well, he started 'seeing' someone about 2 months after my mom passed. that was pretty tough for me to deal with, but i tried not be upset about it. i figured it was a way to distract himself from the pain. now it's been close to 7 months since she passed and my dad keeps asking if i will meet this woman and hang out with her. i don't want to meet her. it makes my skin crawl even to think that she has been to our house and to our family cabin up north with my dad. she's started posting photos and things on his facebook page and she recently gave my dad a gift to pass on to my 1-year-old daughter (who she's never met). i'd much rather prefer she not even exist. the last time my dad called me to ask if i would meet her was literally on the 6-month anniversary of my mom's death... i said no, but i know he will ask me again. i'm worried he will want to include her in thanksgiving festivities, which are already going to be so sad because my mom won't be there. i can't help but feel that in some ways my dad moving on so quickly is disrespectful to my mom's memory, but i don't want to hurt his feelings either. and i don't want him to be alone forever. am i being unfair to him and this woman? or is it legitimate that i don't want her to be a part of my life?

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by SarahGrey on Thu Nov 06, 2014 02:24 AM

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Oh wow, that does seem like he started dating quickly...  At just 2 months, I wonder how fair it is to that woman, as it seems doubtful your father even had time to fully grieve the loss of your mother yet.  

Also, in my opinion...  while your father has every right to do what he needs to do in order to get through this, I also believe you do as well.  And, if it helps you to grieve the loss of your mother to not meet this woman right now, I think you are entitled to that and should not have to meet her yet.  Especially, who is to know if this relationship will even go anywhere yet?  It could be something temporary.  Or lasting.  But again, in my opinion I believe in order for you to grieve as you need to, then you do not have to meet this woman right now.  

As a grieving widow, I've seen how so many of us handle things differently.  There is no one right or wrong way.  But we each have our OWN right way.  And so none of us can say your father is doing it the right or wrong way - he has to do it his own way.  I just hope he is doing it in a way that is fair to himself and the woman he is seeing...

Wishing you all the best, Sarah 

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by MaryLB on Fri Nov 07, 2014 07:56 AM

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On Nov 05, 2014 8:10 PM silverotter wrote:

my mom passed away from cancer at age 52 in late April 2014. she was my best friend and it was an awful couple of years seeing her hurting and in so much pain. when she died my dad was devastated. well, he started 'seeing' someone about 2 months after my mom passed. that was pretty tough for me to deal with, but i tried not be upset about it. i figured it was a way to distract himself from the pain. now it's been close to 7 months since she passed and my dad keeps asking if i will meet this woman and hang out with her. i don't want to meet her. it makes my skin crawl even to think that she has been to our house and to our family cabin up north with my dad. she's started posting photos and things on his facebook page and she recently gave my dad a gift to pass on to my 1-year-old daughter (who she's never met). i'd much rather prefer she not even exist. the last time my dad called me to ask if i would meet her was literally on the 6-month anniversary of my mom's death... i said no, but i know he will ask me again. i'm worried he will want to include her in thanksgiving festivities, which are already going to be so sad because my mom won't be there. i can't help but feel that in some ways my dad moving on so quickly is disrespectful to my mom's memory, but i don't want to hurt his feelings either. and i don't want him to be alone forever. am i being unfair to him and this woman? or is it legitimate that i don't want her to be a part of my life?

In my experience with my parents friends having their spouses pass, the men for some reason seem to move on pretty quickly, SOME not ALL deal with the passing of their wife by dating someone else to take away that lonely feeling. I will say just because he is ready, you're not. There is no reason why you should have to meet this woman right now. You are still grieving your mother and right now is not the time to see the new woman with your father and being around the family. I honestly think that maybe he shouldn't bring her to thanksgiving and they should do something separately between the two of them. You see her when and if you're ready. He is just going to have to understand your feelings on this issue. If he doesn't get it, then that's on him. I feel that the lady needs to cool it, she hasn't even met you, so she definitely should not be sending your baby stuff. That's just my opinion:) Hang in there my friend, Mary

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by Hussy on Fri Nov 07, 2014 09:11 PM

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I'm with Mary on this.  I think it's inappropriate for this woman to send your child a gift.  Maybe she's doing it to try to break the proverbial ice, but that's not the way to go about it.  My mom passed away five years ago and I know I would not have been ready to deal with him dating 2 months after her passing.  It's only in the last year that he has expressed any interest in seeing someone and I'm ok with that.  Is there any way you can have a honest dialogue with your dad and tell him that while you are happy for him, you are not yet ready to have this woman in your life?  Who is hosting Thanksgiving?  Your family could always elect to do something different if he insists on bringing her -- perhaps have your own Thanksgiving at home or dine out or go to your in-laws. 

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by MaryLB on Sat Nov 08, 2014 06:49 AM

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On Nov 07, 2014 9:11 PM Hussy wrote:

I'm with Mary on this.  I think it's inappropriate for this woman to send your child a gift.  Maybe she's doing it to try to break the proverbial ice, but that's not the way to go about it.  My mom passed away five years ago and I know I would not have been ready to deal with him dating 2 months after her passing.  It's only in the last year that he has expressed any interest in seeing someone and I'm ok with that.  Is there any way you can have a honest dialogue with your dad and tell him that while you are happy for him, you are not yet ready to have this woman in your life?  Who is hosting Thanksgiving?  Your family could always elect to do something different if he insists on bringing her -- perhaps have your own Thanksgiving at home or dine out or go to your in-laws. 

;) high five

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by wildrose on Sat Nov 08, 2014 06:53 PM

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I'm so sorry about your mother and the way you are feeling right towards your father. My case is just opposite. My husband died on May 2014 in the last 2 1/2 months have  been seeing someone my daughters were like you didn't like the idea or want to see me with anyone so I keep a low profile. My daughters didn't think I mourned long enough. and to this I said where is it written how and when our loss will be over. I told my daughters that no one will ever replace their fathers love with me we were together 44 years from the time we were 17 years old. No one on this earth could ever lessen my love or time will never make it better. But to never judge someone that has lost the person that love because no one knows when you start mourning for that person. For me it was the first day we were told he had cancer already stage. I started my grieving then because life changed at that moment. I also grieved every time I loaded him in the car for all the treatments we had for a year and watched him and our dreams die with him every day ubtil he took his last breath so griving doest start at the time of death. Now my oldest daughter hasn't spoken to me in months she lives 4 blocks away. the other daughter that lives out of town calls but w don't discuess what I do. I never cheated on my husband but when you first start seeing another it's a feeling that is something strange. But remember this always family is what makes everything. Hard to say but our loved ones that are gone aren't coming back no matter how much all of us want it we just have to try and find our way now. Your father will always be your father and your mother the same.I'm sure he has love for all.

hope things get better

wildrose

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by eternalife on Sat Nov 08, 2014 11:12 PM

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Hi all,

I think we have to be careful in judging the grieving person, your father may have been grieving long before your mother died. My husband battled cancer for 18 months, I started grieving the moment I heard the word cancer. There were flags along the way prior to the diagnosis. More likely I grieved some 2 + years and he will be gone 1. 5 years so in total, it has been some 3 + years that I have been in grief mode. Nothing can erase our marriages.. for me 33 years, I feel while I still have reminders everyday, and cannot give up all the good memories, no marriage is picture perfect. Again, for those who paint it so.. that's hard to fathom... there are always struggles and problems in relationships... marriage is a compromise... and so for your dad.. this may not be the long standing woman for him,but he is on the hunt... my understanding is men move on much faster than woman. I would not spend Thanksgiving with this woman.. you are mourning your mom in your own way.... we all grieve differently.

Wishing you peace and a recovery in this difficult time,

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by Town1157 on Sun Nov 09, 2014 04:39 AM

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Hello i am a 51 yr old male with my wife recently diagnosed stage 4 PC, Your dad is the same age as me i have been with my wife for 32 yrs. If iwas in your fathers situtation i would be scared of bad luck , In my opinion he should be ashamed of himself and should not in NO WAY be bringing someone new into your lifes. I would pray for him and ask for forgivness from mom , You dont need two family tradgedys! I HOPE YOUR FAMILY CAN ENJOY HOLIDAYS and hope your fathercan find some self respect!

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by Town1157 on Sun Nov 09, 2014 04:51 AM

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Wild rose maybe you are wild ,What is the appoprate greiving time welllllll ummmmm how about brining your boyfreind to your husbands funeral that would enough i guess. Let me ask you do you wright for JERRY SPRINGER SHOW! COME ON WILD ROSE !

RE: need advice — hard time dealing with dad dating someone right after my mom died

by ReleaseMe on Sun Nov 09, 2014 05:11 AM

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On Nov 09, 2014 4:51 AM Town1157 wrote:

Wild rose maybe you are wild ,What is the appoprate greiving time welllllll ummmmm how about brining your boyfreind to your husbands funeral that would enough i guess. Let me ask you do you wright for JERRY SPRINGER SHOW! COME ON WILD ROSE !

Your post is inappropriate. You have no right to pass judgment on wildrose . We come to this website to support each other not to bring each other down . You need to check yourself. 

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