Someone please respond I need help

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Someone please respond I need help

by Macca1988 on Sat Mar 07, 2015 10:54 PM

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Hi all, Very new to this and to be honest the only reason why I am sharing this on a forum like this is because I can't speak about it face to face with my family or mates. My mother was diagnosed with advances wide spread cancer with an unknown primary cancer at the core of the problem. By the time she was diagnosed the cancer was so advanced throughout most of her organs in her belly that she was only given a very optimistic 6 months to live. They say that the primary cancer is either pancreatic, gall bladder or bile duct and I don't need to tell you all that any of those 3 aren't a great start. She has over 60 tumours all up and fortunately chemotherapy turned that 6 month prognosis into a 2 year 3 month innings to date. We have been quite blessed with treatment maintaining the tumours for the most part given that there is no chance for operating etc. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that she is on a decline and luck is running out, I am trying to stay positive and keep my head up but her health is starting to take a real sharp turn to ugly and she isn't even close to being the woman she was a month ago , mentally and physically. What makes matters worse is my family ( bless them ) are a bunch of finger pointers, drinkers and problem makers that are making things so stressful for mum that it is actually affect your help. Actually I think you all get the point and I'm going to stop sharing for now as I'm getting upset.. But I would really welcome some feedback or advice, or for someone to share a similar story with me so we can chat because I'm kinda feeling right now that everything sucks, I love my mum mmore then anything and 47 is too young for god to take her from me. I'm getting married in November and the thought of her now being there kills me

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by oneofthousands on Tue Mar 10, 2015 01:55 AM

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Hello Macca1988 ~ You have a great deal to manage, and I am so sorry you do.    Please know that illness brings out rotten situations within the family.  Emotions are raw, and opinions are a dime a dozen.   This may sound strange, but remember that their emotional outbursts have nothing to do with you. No. They are all about them.  No one else.  Try to remember that.  I only hope your Mom isn't in the middle of such strife. 

I don't know what resources you have, but if you can, I would recommend Hospice, first.  They support the patient and the family and are an incredible help.  Your Mom will be kept comfortable, and they can run interference with family members who make the situation worse.

Call a counseling place and make an appointment to talk to someone there.  There are some county services that are pretty good at helping sort out things.  (Do I sound like Ann Landers??)

Meanwhile, you have been given the gift of time.  You can tell your Mom how much she means to you, how lucky you have been to have her help you grow.  Maybe you can talk about some funny things from the past.  This might bring a smile or a laugh.  I don't think there is any reason you need to stay positive.  She knows what's happening, and she might be comforted to know someone else realizes that, too.  She may want to talk about dying, but is afraid it will upset the family.  That is a burden.  Maybe you can help by listening.  And crying with her, too.

I took care of my Mom, and my brother.  We never spoke directly of dying, but we did reminised alot, remembering happy times and so much else through the years; we listened to favorite music. And we were all on the same page.  No phony baloney... This is as real as it gets. 

My husband of 55 years has rectal cancer.  He looks like hell, has lost 35 pounds and is so sick from chemo and radiation that I can't stand it.  If the chemo/radiation doesn't kill him, he looks forward to massive surgery.  And if that doesn't kill him he may have a few more years of life left.  Quality?  I have no idea, but I can't be Mary Poppins all over the place.  That's just stupid.  I don't believe in fairy tales. I have hope, of course, but I know what has happened to so many of our family members, friends and neighbors. 

I don't know what you think about life after death, but I believe death is another chapter in life.  We get sick, tired, broken down, our body is tattered; we shed it like a rusty, broken down car (our body is the vehicle that makes it possible for us to live life as we know it here) and then we move on to another level of life.  

Your Mom's spirit will always be around you.  My Dad makes an old broken clock begin to tick... my Mom is here when I smell cigarette smoke. My wonderful daughter-in-law lost her Mom to brain cancer, in one month.  (It has been a year this week).  Soon after, she was sitting at her Mom's kitchen table doing paperwork. She was wearing her Mom's necklace.  All of a sudden it ended up in her lap.  Her Mom was telling her she was there.  Be aware, and your Mom will let you know she's watching over you, too.  And she will be at your wedding. 

Make sure she has enough drugs to keep her pain free.  Play some favorite music, or get CD's of rain falling, meditation music, ....there's lots of good stuff out there to listen to.  My brother loved to hear the rain fall, and thunderstorms, too.  When he was a kid he would get into his pup tent and enjoy a good rainfall. 

My dear, I don't know if I've helped or not, but know you are not alone in this trial.  That thought helps me a little bit.

I send my love and a hug

  

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by Oakshield on Wed Mar 11, 2015 12:56 PM

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It is real hard when your rellatives are ill. But you have to be strong, for you family. Soon you'll get married and it is good thing. Hope your mum will be better soon. 

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by masterchief911 on Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:56 PM

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Macca, I am a 55 yr old colorectal cancer "Survivor" . Reality is there are things much worse than death. There is a book called "Proof of Heaven" I have lost everything to cancer including my family (other than my Pop) my kids, my wife of 35 years... all gone. My business and my confidence, all gone... Read the book or even read it to her. It will help her and you.. Then tell the other to "stuff it".. I have made peace with either side of the River Jordan, many nights, I yearn for the other side. XO

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by oneofthousands on Mon Mar 16, 2015 01:45 AM

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Masterchief911 ~ 

I hear you and wish you God's speed.  You are right, there are things much worse than death.  I've had a ring side seat as I indured these things through my loved ones.  It is horribly hard. 

I am so happy for them that they have been released from this world of pain and torture.  They are gone, and I am left to reflect on this whole business of how to die, and all the decisions connected to this.  I think those who die in their sleep, or drop dead of a heart attack are the lucky ones.

My husband is currently involved with rectal cancer and is suffering the medical community's mistakes.  Currently hospitalized, for how long we do not know...he needs surgery for a colon blockage, but radiation/chemo has so damaged the tissue that it will be at least 6 weeks before the tissue will hold stitches, plus he is too weak to withstand going under the knife.  

I have no idea the information I will find in the morning. I feel I am standing on earth quake ground.  Decision made...no, we're changing that...we have this plan....well, this is what we're going to do now.  As they say, medicine is a "practice," and that they do.  Practice.  

I am questioning myself as to whether I would chose to try to get well, or choose a peaceful death, assisted by a physician or Compassionate Friends.  They have changed their name recently...but if you google them I think you'd find them and learn how they can help you.  I support their efforts.  Ask your doctor to help you.  They do it all the time, very quietly. 

Masterchief... I am so terribly sorry for everything you have lost, and for your struggle right now.  I hope you will move on to the next part of your life very soon.  Life does not stop, this is just a place where we have to learn things, and then we move on to another place.  I believe this.

Thank you for "Proof of Heaven,"  I will read it, even though I know a wonderful life is waiting for all of us. 

Much love to you,

~Oneofthousands

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by masterchief911 on Mon Mar 16, 2015 01:47 AM

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Carry on troop.

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by oneofthousands on Mon Mar 16, 2015 03:40 AM

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YOU, TOO!

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by Angelsent on Sun Apr 05, 2015 01:55 AM

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Hi, my advise is for you to speak to God in prayers, through his precious son "Jesus Christ" our Saviour. He is never blind to your tears, deaf to your prayers, & silent to your pain. He sees, he hears, he's never too far, he'll deliver. He's our only help & hope. I was just dx two days ago with Thyroid cancer, but, I'm not worried, I know that if he brings me to this test, then I'll come out with a wonderful testimony for him. Love & comfort your mom, do whatever you can, don't worry about anyone else. God give you a 47 yrs loan with her, if he chooses to take that loan back, then you should be thankful & just ask that he receives her with an open heaven. Move forward with thankfulness & cherish every moment as if it's the last. Pls keep me posted. My prayers will be for your mom & family. ????

RE: Someone please respond I need help

by Josephine06 on Sun Aug 14, 2016 04:08 AM

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Oneofathousands , you're one in a billion. You understand human nature so well.
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