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Life No Longer Has Any Meaning

by StephenS on Fri May 29, 2015 08:27 AM

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It's 4 A.M. and I have not been to bed yet.  I think about everything that has happened over the past two and a half years and it seems to me that my life has been crumbling apart as time moves on and the distance since I last saw my wife grows larger and larger.  I keep struggling with the fact that I really don't have any real plans, any real hopes, any real aspirations left in me.  They all are gone.  Buried along with my wife.  Oh sure I have my kids and grandkids and they mean the world to me but when I close the door to my room, when the lights go out, there no longer is that special person who I would hold in my arms and tell jokes to and giggle and just find something good where there was really only the ordinary day.

I keep myself busy, I had two parties this past weekend, one for my 69th birthday and the other for Memorial Day.  Everyone attended, kids, grandkids, brothers and my niece and they all raved about all the food I cooked.  We had a good time, if you want to call it that.  But something was missing.  It was Kathy.  She is still in my heart and my every waking thought but she's not here to hold and kiss and share my life with.  I have to make an appointment with my skin doctor.  The growths on my face are starting to bleed and scabb over and I worry if its turned cancerous.  Last time I saw him he said it was pre-cancer from too much sun.  That was two years ago.  I know I should go.  I know but I don't care any more.  My teeth are in deplorable shape.  When Kathy was sick I just ignored the pain and didn't say anything when my caps started coming off and the decay undermined them.  I must have swallowed two more the night before last cause now the bottom left side of my mouth is totally void of anything but remnants of my former teeth.  The roof on my house is starting to leak and I haven't gardened in the past two years.  I know what I should do.  I just don't care.  The only thing keeping it all together is my going to Church every Sunday and praying to the Lord continuously through out the day.  I am not a child and I am not without my good days.  But every twelve or twenty four hours the same thought repeats itself in my mind.  Why bother?  After all my entire life was planned around retiring and being with my wife 24/7, such a wonderful dream.  Full of plans of traveling and visiting friends and family but mostly just being together.  Now the only way I get to see her is when I go down to the cemetary and talk to her about my life without her.  I am suppose to go with my daughter and her family on vacation in July.  I thought getting away and being with her and my grandkids would be good for me.  But they have no idea how to fill in for Kathy.  They try.  God they try.  My grandson Matthew has spent probably 500 hours in the past two years on cancer drives raising over $3,000.00 to find a cure.  They just aren't the answer. 


by katbaran on Fri May 29, 2015 11:48 AM

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My Dear Stephen,

PLEASE, please call your primary care doc and get the name of a good grief counselor! You need someone to talk to about this who is trained to help you see the road ahead. Don't be shy and do it TODAY! You seem like such a caring and generous man that it is a shame to waste the life you have on being miserable.

I know what you mean with the whole situation with your teeth. I neglected my back problems while Chuck was sick and in April, I had a 10 hour back surgery to correct a multitude of problems. It was not fun and I wouldn't change my decision to ignore it when Chuck was sick and declining. Now he is at peace and it is time to take care of me. You have time now to take care of YOU. Please do it. You owe Kathy that much. She would be pushing you to attend to your medical problems and in a way, she still is. Listen to her voice in your mind--what is she saying? Think about what she would want for you. I know Chuck would want me to take better care of myself. He took care of me and prodded me to go to the doc and dentist sometimes. He also knew that when I was alone, I would do what needed to be done. You've come so far since Kathy's passing--even if you don't think you have. Please continue to move forward. Make that doc appt. TODAY! Pick up the phone and get some estimates on the roof. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. You CAN do it. You CAN find yourself reasonably happy.

I can relate to the not sleeping. I'm still recovering from the back surgery I mentioned. I've been home 2 weeks today. The pain is not as bad, but I just can't sleep much. The witching hour seems to be 5 am. I seem to be able to sleep after that. I still have home therapy and a nurse coming so I can't sleep until noon to make up for the sleep lost at night. Such a weird cycle of sleep and no sleep. Try to relax. I try to do some deep breathing. Just in and out and concentrate on that only. No other thoughts. It helps.

Chuck and I were also looking forward to retirement and growing old together. SOMEONE CHANGED THE PLAN!!! It doesn't seem fair--I know this is the application of "life ain't fair---and now, I have to figure out what to do on my own. I joke with some girl friends of mine that we should rent a big ranch house and do the Golden Girls thing--all live together. I'm up for it as long as I don't have to be the slutty one. Seriously, sometimes I find myself crying in a heap and hating what life has become without Chuck. It is ok to do that as long as I don't build a nest and stay in that little heap. I blow my nose, pick myself up and remember all the good times we had in our 33 yrs. together. Sometimes that makes me cry again too.

Face it, we spent so much time with our loved ones. It's hard to let go and I don't think I will ever let go completely, but we have the rest of OUR lives to live. Get some professional help. I am thinking of doing that myself. Just to talk it out with someone who did not know Chuck and can be objective and make some suggestions for helping me move forward. You don't have to take all of their advice, just listen and think it over.

Ok, I've written a novella here, so I'll finish here. YOU, Stephen, deserve to be functional and maybe even happy one day. Take advantage of that. I'm here to talk any time.



by pjishere9 on Fri May 29, 2015 12:35 PM

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I'm sorry for your sorrow and loss. You must feel an enormous void with the loss of your beloved Kathy.  You said you go to church every Sunday, so I think you know Kathy is in Heaven. You know she wants you to take of yourself. 

You are lonely. Give yourself sometime to heal (and by heal I really mean, learn to live with what you cannot change because I don't believe you can ever totally heal from such a loss) and find a friend to share your life with. Enjoy the things you loved, get out there in the garden again. Your future while changed can still be full of love and new beginnings.

Strength, wisdom and love be yours,



by Kjohnchas on Sun May 31, 2015 11:08 AM

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yesterday i also had one of those sad days.....everyday it seems a sad day but some days better than others,my stepdaughter sent me this and i want to share it.......










RE: Life No Longer Has Any Meaning

by eastwest on Sun May 31, 2015 02:22 PM

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Stephen   Please take care of yourself. I am sure Kathy would want you to. 

If we are believers in a higher power and that our loved one is there with that higher power now we need to try and be thankful. They have beaten cancer in one way. They are no longer in that horrible world of struggling and pain. I remember a couple months after Phil died. I had a dream or vision of him standing in front of me. He was healthy and glowing! He smiled and when I said "I love you" he just tapped his heart like ...back at you. I instantly woke and was crying but it was tears of joy knowing he is well where he is.

It is so lonely here without our loved ones but I am sure they want us to take care of the business we have here until we meet them again.

If you feel exhausted just take it one step at a time. Please call your family dr about your skin. I was just diagnosed with a couple of basal cell cancers that I didn't even notice. See your dentist first if that is bothering you more. You have a wonderful family that cares about you and wants you to take care of yourself too.  And we here care too!    Irene

RE: Life No Longer Has Any Meaning

by Fredward on Sun May 31, 2015 05:49 PM

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Oh how I can relate to much of what you've written.  The second anniversary of my husband's passing is a week from today and I know it will be a rough week.  Then Father's Day will be coming and not only have I lost my husband but also my father shortly after my husband died.  I also no longer do much of the things I used to enjoy doing when my husband was alive.  I'm plenty busy enough working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet and I've tried doing new things / hobbies but nothing really holds my interest.  There have been times when I didn't care whether I lived or died, not that I was suicidal, but I've reached the point where I know I want to live.  I still have my kids and I think they need me and want me around.  They are still young. I'm sure your family needs and wants you too.  The loneliness, the pain, the flashbacks, they all keep creeping in, but I have to keep plugging and so do you.  Counseling would be a good idea.  I'm also encouraging you to take care of your own health.  Please, don't let that skin stuff go any longer.  Make an appointment ASAP.  Your life is worth it.  I truly believe Jim is in Heaven and I keep telling myself that if he is in Heaven then he is also happier than any of us here can ever imagine.  And I like to think that he and my Dad, along with other loved ones who have passed, are up there talking and enjoying seeing each other again.  Please take care of yourself.  I don't like the road we are on but it's what we have been dealt.  I keep telling myself that others have been down this road and came out ok, so I will too.........someday I guess.

RE: Life No Longer Has Any Meaning

by RobinMB on Tue Jun 02, 2015 03:44 AM

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Oh Stephen, I truly understand how you feel.  I couldn't seem to get myself together after my husband passed away from GBM (brain cancer) a year and a half ago.  He was only 53 years old.  He would have retired this year.  We were together for 33 years.  There are days when I still can't believe it happened.

I finally went to see my general practioner.  She prescribed Cymbalta for me.  It really helps.  I still cry often, but I am able to control my emotions so much better now that I am taking something to minimize the effects of grief.  I also don't deal with some of the aches and pains I had before.  Cymbalta keeps the aches and pains away.  I enjoy being in the garden now because I am able to pull weeds and lift heavy bags of soil and mulch without having to deal with pain the next day.  I've never been on an antidepressant before.  I thought it would make me feel tired.  But, honestly, it is working wonders.  Maybe I won't have to take it in the future.  For now, I am thankful it is relieving my symptoms.

Sometimes I sit back and think about how fortunate I was to have been married to such a terrific and hysterically funny guy.  I think about all of the people who have never experienced a love like ours.  Stephen, we are so lucky to have had these amazing spouses in our lives.  I thank God every single day for giving me such a good man to love. 

So many of the things that are happening to you are also happening to me.  I just had to get a crown on a tooth.  That's when you really know you're getting old - - when your fillings start falling out.  Just kidding!!!  And, my roof is leaking too.  Ugh!!!  My house is only 12 years old, so I didn't expect to have to put $14,000 into it for a new roof.  But, I don't want to leave the house that my husband and I shared together.  Besides, my grandkids love coming over to swim in our inground pool all summer long. 

There are days when I don't care either.  I have 2 children and 3 granchildren.  I know they love me, but, you're right, they don't fill the void we have for our loved ones.  How I long for the hugs and kisses from my husband.  My grandson is having a difficult time with the loss of his grandpa.  He tells me how much he misses him and how his heart hurts.  His grandpa was his buddy.  So, even though there are days I don't want to deal with this terrible loss, I don't want my grandchildren to lose another family member that they love dearly.  That's when I peel myself out of bed and try to take care of myself and get through another day.  Also, I want to be a good role model for my children and grandchildren.  Therefore, in their eyes, I am remaining strong.

Who knows what the future will bring, right???  Did you ever think you would have been so blessed to have been married to a woman like Kathy?  Maybe God has plans for us.  Maybe there is going to be something else that is going to make us feel happy again.  I pray there will be.  Until then, let's try to stay in touch and get through this together. 

Do you like hydrangeas?  I think they are the most beautiful flowers.  I have an idea.  Go to your local nursery and plant an "Endless Summer Hydrangea" in honor of your cherished wife, Kathy.  In a roundabout way, you will be able to grow flowers for her.  And, I don't know a woman who doesn't like flowers. 

"The sun will come out tomorrow."

Hang in there, ok!!!

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,



RE: Life No Longer Has Any Meaning

by javaherian on Tue Jun 02, 2015 05:27 AM

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StephenS I lost a sister and my mom to cancer and now my husband I'm only 44yrs old raising 13yr old son ...They are in my future YOUR WIFE IS NOT IN YOUR PAST SHE IS IN YOUR FUTURE she sees you from heaven and she wants you happy. Google Kat Kerr and watch her videos on youtub she helped me a lot, God bless.


by javaherian on Tue Jun 02, 2015 06:37 AM

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So beautifull

RE: Life No Longer Has Any Meaning

by neenji on Tue Jun 02, 2015 07:16 AM

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Stephen,my heart bleeds for you. All of us going through this cancer journey, who have lost, or knows that they will lose their loved one shares your pain.It sounds to me like you tell everyone that you are okay, when in reality ,you are not.Let your loved ones help you, cry with them and reminisce also. They also loved Kathy, and are probably quite scared that they are going to lose you as well.People want to help, but a lot of us just put up walls and keep people away, there is no need. Your loved ones WANT to help. If you don't think you can talk to them, find a good grief counsellor that you feel comfortable with, or, go and have a visit at the chemo ward where Kathy went. They will remember you, and they deal withthis type of thing on a daily basis, they CAN help.My thoughts are with you myfriend, and I hope that you can find the strength to carry on.Janene xx

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