Lost and broken

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Lost and broken

by Maxdeakin on Thu Sep 10, 2015 09:23 PM

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A year ago tonight my husband passed away with lung cancer. He was 49.how can i still feel like it was yesterday and the pain is still so raw, he was my soul mate and best friend, I'm haunted by what I saw before he died, I could never describe the fear and pain in his eyes. I miss him so much, I have grown up children and two grandchildren but have no purpose to my life, it's been ripped away from me by cancer.....cancer. I hate that word and what it has done to us, and too many others like us. Life's still going but it's going straight past me. I'm stuck, can't move, want him back so much that I would do anything but I know it can't happen, so what do I do now. Carry on..I'm trying... Please, any kind words or advice.....max.

RE: Lost and broken

by eastwest on Fri Sep 11, 2015 12:46 AM

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Hi Max   I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

I too found it so hard to move forward after my Phil died (4 1/2 yrs next month). I remember telling my son I felt like my whole identity had been stolen. My nucleus was gone.

I thought once I made it thru that first 12 months I would be ok. There was no longer that horrid anticipatory of all the holidays. I knew I could get thru them. Yet there was still a huge gapping hole.  

Nothing will ever be the same again. How can it without that love here beside us? Yet somehow we have to force ourselves each day. My help was making a gratitude list. Even if I just thought of sunlight on my face it was something good to grab onto or being Grateful for the years we did get to have.

I still feel the loss even though someone has come into my life who makes me laugh a lot. He's widowed also which helps when we talk about his Mary and my Phil.

But some nights, like last night I lay there sleepless tossing and turning alone and I just long for Phil to be here. I doubt that feeling will ever pass. Yet I also know he would want me to live and be happy so I give it my best.   hugs, Irene

RE: Lost and broken

by numberone on Sun Sep 13, 2015 07:35 PM

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On Sep 10, 2015 9:23 PM Maxdeakin wrote:

A year ago tonight my husband passed away with lung cancer. He was 49.how "" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://49.how " target="_blank" rel="nofollow">49.how can i still feel like it was yesterday and the pain is still so raw, he was my soul mate and best friend, I'm haunted by what I saw before he died, I could never describe the fear and pain in his eyes. I miss him so much, I have grown up children and two grandchildren but have no purpose to my life, it's been ripped away from me by cancer.....cancer. I hate that word and what it has done to us, and too many others like us. Life's still going but it's going straight past me. I'm stuck, can't move, want him back so much that I would do anything but I know it can't happen, so what do I do now. Carry on..I'm trying... Please, any kind words or advice.....max.

Hello there,

Im sorry you are going through this. Its awful and shouldn't happen to people. You wake up in the morning, reality hits and you wonder why you are still doing the same routine in the world that robbed you of the person you adored.

My dad died  2 years ago suddenly from a quick diagnosis and i block things out, it hurts incredibly. the 30 calls a day, the reliance when something goes wrong. my heart totally goes out to you. I sometimes call out his name at night to get a reactio (because the swine said he would visit!!) only to be met with silence and frustration after. im not following the grieving stages and just think you should do it your own way. Of course there is a huge void in your life he passed young and i cannot begin to know how that feels. But if you want to talk about it then please reply. I am not good at these things at first but can talk the hind legs off a donkey when accepted. I have never truly accepted the death and its upto you and your decision when to. no self help book will help we just all have to cope and deal with it. and if anyone else says time is a healer i think i will go insane!!

So you have a friend here.

With love and thought your way xxx

Jem

RE: Lost and broken

by z1Christine on Thu Sep 24, 2015 06:24 AM

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I rest in this passage  that I posted below.

My husband is still alive. He was diagnosed with cancer last year, and it seems he is in remission. He is 60, I am 53.
We met when I was 24, just yesterday to me. I hope it is not offensive to post here to anyone, since my husband is still alive. He has been weakend, and I still sit up at night and try to prepare myself for the time that may come,
I am alone with out any children, brothers, sisters, and my husband is all I have, and we are so close. We speak a hundred times in a day. and we work together,
when he was diagnosed with cancer, well, I am still in that room, hearing that word, and it takes my breath away.

I read your stories, and please know that even though my husband is still with me, that I am here crying with you. I am the same with my husband, sometimes I travel alone and he joins me later, we have a winter home in the south, and I travel ahead, and he flies down.
He is with me through the whole trip, and tells me what to do, and makes sure the care is ready, and cares if I eat, sleep, and I love him so much, not just because of those things, but he is kind, and gentle, and patient, and loves me unconditionally. He is so special and I can't think of how I will breath on the first day if I lose him. I would not know how I will be able to breath.

I am traumatized by his illness, but I am so grateful for every breath, every day, each moment.

At least know these things, that your words help others.

and that I am here crying with you, I truly can understand your loss. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 14,

And I miss her still. She died 37 years ago, and I visit her grave, and my husband holds my hand,
and if I lose him, there will be no one to hold my hand anymore.

I go to sleep each night and read the Word of God, I believed I was saved my whole life, and I wasn't, and it was my husband who taught me the truth.

Now I go to sleep every night and listen to the bible on MP3, so I won't loose my way.

And I rest in this passage, if the Lord chooses to take my husband from me

IS 54:1 Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the LORD.
IS 54:2 Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes;
IS 54:3 For thou shalt break forth on the right hand and on the left; and thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles, and make the desolate cities to be inhabited.
IS 54:4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.
IS 54:5 For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

RE: Lost and broken

by StephenS on Thu Sep 24, 2015 01:05 PM

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All I can say is that your words have been repeated a hundred times by a hundred different people who post on this sight, me included.  It's not about forgetting, its not about feeling less pain or loneliness, its about finding your place in the world after the love of your life is gone.  Start by finding your friends and doing simple things, like a lunch out or having the family over for a home cooked meal.  Do not look for someone to replace you husband, there is no such person.  Instead find someone who will make you love life again.  These are all long term projects.  For now, just wake up in the morning, thank God for all he has done for you, and go into the kitchen and have a nice breakfast.  Everything else will come of its own accord. 

Stephen

RE: Lost and broken

by katbaran on Tue Sep 29, 2015 03:25 PM

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Stephen,

You said this so well. I'm moving along and making a new life for myself. No romantic type things, just family and good friends to let me know I am loved and not forgotten.

Kathy

RE: Lost and broken

by bobss396 on Tue Sep 29, 2015 05:32 PM

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15 months here and at times I really struggle to cope. Cancer is really the worst way for someone to die, maybe its fortunate that Barbara only had 2 really bad months towards the end. Some people battle for many more months.

I don't know how much she realized about what was going on once she reached hospice. The whole transformation as she grew progressively sicker and sicker still haunts me.

I get better in small steps, sometimes there is a trigger that puts me right back into May of 2014. I try to keep busy and not sit around too much.

RE: Lost and broken

by StanToronto on Wed Sep 30, 2015 03:18 AM

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Maxdeakin, It is just a little over three months since the love of my life passed on to a better place; and I am no longer mourning her departure.

I am convinced that our unwavering belief and trust in God, made this 11 month pancreatic cancer journey so carefree and happy. Although Ethel knew how this would all end she never had a down day. A few times over the year she asked "I am I going to die?" But she never had a down day until just a few hours before she left. Her sudden departure was totally unexpected. After a totally pain-free week and everything was going well, she instinctively knew this was the end. A few hours before she passed, she gave me her final hug. As she clung to me with all her remaining strength, she wept for the very first time:

"This is not fair! God is going to take me away without YOU!"

And then a few hours later, at 2 am she awakened me to tell me she was experiencing a whole lot of pain! As with all her other visits to the hospital, I knew the routine: After addressing the clean underwear mandate, packing her suitcase with every thing else she needed, had become habit. But by the time I arrived at the hospital, she had already passed on. And although we had enjoyed every minute of every day of our last year together, I am most grateful that I don't have to carry the memory of our last gruesome 5 minutes together.

So my personal formula for recovery is:

1. Refuse to indulge in memories of the last horrible year;

2. Occasionally set time aside to remember the good times and look over photos encompassing a wonderful fifty years together;

3. Instead of looking backward, I direct my entire focus upon where she is today, and what she is doing this afternoon!! She is having the time of her 'life' catching up with friends and family!!

She is not mourning; and after three months I am no longer mourning! As long as she is happy, I am happy!!

After reading this forum, the last thing I ever wanted to do is wallow in despair and self-pity year after year as so many do! The whole idea didn't sound like all that much fun.

So . . . now that the grieving has ended, off to a new and different life, discovering my new reality, whatever that may be. At this point, I don't have a clue. Just happy that the mourning has finished!

As I have thanked God for every day with her, I am learning to thank God for every day without her. :-( Not all that easy, but just one step at a time.

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