DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID

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Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by StephenS on Tue Sep 22, 2015 03:02 PM

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I post on this board and i read what others say hoping that as a family sharing the loss of a love one we share this identity and can learn from each other.  This post is to tell you what not to do.  I started individually counseling about five months back and after a rocky start we seemed to be making progress and i began to better understand myself and what i needed to do.  We reached the point where dave said it is time to move on stephen.  What would you wife say about you thinking about dating.  She wanted me to be happy and not sad.  She said go find yourself someone to share the rest of your life with.  I will be here when its your turn.  Yes so what do you think about the idea.  I feel like i am cheating.  I feel like i am breaking my marriage vows.  We talked some more and i understood what he was saying and what kathy was saying.  Then he said do you have anyone in mind and i said yes my ex-sister-in law but that adds further problems about what all the family will think.  He said you have to stop worrying about what others think and worry about what will make stephen happy.  So i asked her and to my surprise she said yes.  I became so excited, so happy in twenty four hours i had us married and living happily ever after.  Thank god she understood what i had done and lead me through it.  You see stephen it was an instant fix.  Kathy's dead, insert terry.  Presto change-o your living your old life again happy and comfortable and full of love.  It doesn't happen that way.  I am not a substitute.  I am a new person.  Its not that easy.  What you have to do is not try to turn the clock back and relive your life.  You have to move forward, new friends, new girl friend.  Future to be lived not just a re-do of what has been.  Well i sure have learned a lesson.  I texted her today.  The caption read "take two"  the message was "so is it proper for an ex-brother-in-law to ask an ex-sister-in-law out on a date?  I'll let you know how it goes.  I have no idea cause its in  the future, not the past. 

Stephen

 

RE: Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by eastwest on Thu Sep 24, 2015 01:30 AM

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Hi Stephen   It is so hard to move forward after suffering the loss of a beloved spouse. Everything is new. We don't fit into that old comfortable mold any longer. I know I felt I had lost my identity when Phil was no longer physically here.

Some of my friends met the new guy last week and one told me today she didn't picture me with some who looks like him. Heck neither did I. Phil was a thin bearded quiet man who asked for nothing more than to be out on the lake fishing.  While Hank is short, on the chunky side and a very outgoing classic country musician. I never imagined myself with someone like Hank, a man who assists me into making songs from my poems and has me singing on stage with him! But now I laugh so much. I told him the other day his Mary and my Phil must be up there together really getting a kick out of the two of us. It's really a different life than the one I led with Phil. I just feel so blessed to have had both these men in my life. 

I wish you the best as you move forward. We are here on earth to live. I read recently: The only way to remove pain from death is to remove love from life. NO WAY!!!!

And even though I am widowed  4 1/2 yrs next month there are moments where the longing of my dear Phil catches me and I am sure that will always be the case.   Irene

RE: Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by eternalife on Fri Sep 25, 2015 03:37 PM

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Hi Stephen,

I understand men move on faster than women, I don't recall how long it's been for you, for me just over 2 years. I was talking with a girlfriend about how the end came for my Mark and how he refused to say a proper good bye to me and our kids... it somehow seemed so cruel and with that I did not get the closure I feel I deserved. That being said, I don't have the drive to go out there again and look for a mate.. for me..it's not just having a companion... I am an all or nothing gal.. a devout Catholic... I don't invest in people like some others are willing to do... no offence that is me and I am not going to give up my moral compass now.  I am enjoying the Pope's visit and all that he is saying to the entire world right now. We have responsiblilites far beyond the SELF, consumerism and secularism... Need I say more.. for non believers... it's time to wake up.. we are not just here for ourselves... think of Mother Teresa.. 

I wish you well in your endeavours... perhaps it will be what you need... tread carefully.. sometimes that which comes too easily is not meant to be.

Best

RE: Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by baily64 on Wed Oct 14, 2015 12:37 PM

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I loss my husband a little over two yrs ago .I had a wonderful 25 yr marriage .I was alone in my life after he passed it was very hard to loss my husband I was lost. I started dating about 7 months  after his death .  I met  a wonderful man one month after i first started dating .It was very hard on him and me at first we went through a lot of ups and downs he was very supportive of me and stuck with me through all my pain .Now almost two yrs later were doing wonderful and enjoing our lifes together .Were both happy I feel life is for the living and I know my late husband would want me safe and  happy in my life again .I feel we our all different we all have to make our own choice in our own life's there is no right or wrong do what feel right for you .Wishing you the best in life Stephen

RE: Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by bobss396 on Thu Oct 15, 2015 01:56 PM

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I'm at the 16-month mark and can't really wrap my head around dating yet. I'm busy with work and projects so I don't sit around at all.

A couple of my wife's friends said I should start dating, I asked if they had anyone worthy in mind, which got a laugh. I guess when the right person comes along, I'll know that the time is right.

RE: Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by eternalife on Fri Oct 16, 2015 01:50 AM

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Hi all,

To go around again, a friend of mine remarried after 10 years a widow, she said her new spouse accepts there are really four people in the new marriage.

Best to everyone, you will know if it's the right decision or not.

RE: Don't Make The Same Mistake I Did

by bobss396 on Fri Oct 16, 2015 06:42 PM

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On Oct 16, 2015 1:50 AM eternalife wrote:

Hi all,

To go around again, a friend of mine remarried after 10 years a widow, she said her new spouse accepts there are really four people in the new marriage.

Best to everyone, you will know if it's the right decision or not.

This is so true and both living people have to accept it or it will never work.

My dad and stepmother... she tried so hard to erase any memory of my mother. It was pretty sad to see that going on.

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