Cutting ties

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Cutting ties

by Dleu_2000 on Wed Nov 18, 2015 06:18 AM

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Has anyone had to cut ties with people since being diagnosed? My mother in law has always been a manipulative person, never had a job and she depends on her kids and ex husband for a place to live. Since my diagnosis I have become less tolerant of her behaviors. For example, when she stays at our home she steals all of the coins from our piggy banks, she also snoops around the house and after she leaves I notice things missing. I have recently began to resent her and my wife does not think this is fair. She feels that since this is her mother and she is only stealing things from us so that she can buy her cigarettes, it is justified. From my perspective I do not want someone in our home that does not have my families best interest at hand. How to I convey these feelings to my wife so that she understands and begins to take more of a protective role in our marriage. My recent stage four cancer diagnosis has caught us by surprise and the outcome does not look bright. I do not want to be surrounded by people that steal from me and disrespects my family.

RE: Cutting ties

by PunkyD on Wed Nov 18, 2015 07:02 AM

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Dear Dleu,

I'm really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You sound like a really nice guy. Regarding your question, I don't think that this is a matter of "cutting ties with people since being diagnosed". It sounds like you simply have a real problem specifically with your MIL, and just now you are seeing it more clearly, or have less patience.  It sounds to me like she is a smoking addict of some kind.  No, it is NOT OK for her to steal anything from around your house (unless she is elderly and has some sort of dementia), whether it is family or not!  That's just not right. No justifications. Those cigarettes are clouding her good judgement.  It's not you, it's her.  It sounds that you are a very tolerant person. As for your wife, I understand that she is excusing her mother.........does she smoke as well?  That may explain her support of her mother. Is it possible to hide your valuables/spare change?  (I have my 85 year old FIL staying with us for a month so far, with no end in sight, and he has dementia......so we hide things from him so that he doesn't damage us or himself and I take everything he says with a grain of salt).

You definitely deserve to be surrounded by positive people that support you and that you can trust.  If your MIL needs money for cigarettes, she can ask!!  Stealing is never excusable. Don't know how easy it is going to be for you to convince your wife of that, seeing that she doesn't see that on her own. Seeing that you have enough on your plate as it is, can't she stay at relatives/kids instead of you?  I think you should have a heart to heart with your wife about it, if you haven't already.

Wishing you peace, patience, and strength.

Punky 

RE: Cutting ties

by ahildenbrandt on Wed Nov 18, 2015 06:10 PM

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Dear Dieu I hear you a thousand times! You have my support if you want to cut ties with your mooching MIL but the reality is that you might also alienate your wife which is not good. You need her help and love. That being said, I totally feel for you. I resent family members that constantly take and take and never give and also never give a thought to the stress they place on an already over stressed host who is battling cancer on top of everything else. I guess there's one in every family :(. Several in mine. The only thing you can do is try to minimize your time in their company. I know from personal experience that talking to the offending person about the issues does no good. They turn a deaf ear and continue with their behavior albeit sneakily. Whew! I feel better already for venting!! Glad I got that off my chest! Venting to this board can sure help to take the poison out. I highly recommend it. :-DDD. Rani
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