Struggling when I should be happy

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Struggling when I should be happy

by Meiraperez on Tue Feb 16, 2016 09:11 PM

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I just joined this group this morning.  My family are sick of hearing it..they look at me like what's my problem?  I should be happy to have no breasts I should be happy that they look like a box I should be happy that I sweat like a pig all night and am in horrible pain I should be happy that I can't do hardly anything like I used too...I should be happy because I'm alive. Well I'm sorry to be a disappointment but I'm not happy.  I'm angry and tired and annoyed and these meds suckered and I feel ugly. 

I'm sick of the appointments I'm sick of the bills I'm sick of no libido I'm sick of it but what the heck else am I supposed to do! I've watched all of Downtown Abby,  Dr who and gone through pintrest for days. Is this feeling normal or is it just me?

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by tufgngbob on Tue Mar 01, 2016 04:40 PM

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I'm so sorry to hear of how you are feeling, but trust me, you are not alone. In the first few months after my diagnosis, I went through many emotions, and at times anger was one of them. No one can ever understand what you're going through with the exception of those who have been through the same. Try not to be so frustrated with your family. I am sure they have your best interest at heart.  They are trying in the only way they can think of to make you feel better about things.  

Hopefully you will as I did come to a point of accepting the cards you have been dealt and concentrating on making the best of it and begin to let go of the anger and the  - why me's? 

I was a very ambitios and financially successfull profesional prior to Cancer. I am lucky to have achived a remission fairly quick and also to have remained in remisssion for 12 years. However, I did suffer permanant nerve damage and as  a result of cancer I am now divorced, unable to work, have limited endurance and mobility and I live on a dissability salary.  Fotunately for me, I was very lucky in my early career and so I am able  to still live a life where I am not struggling at all financially.

Eventually, I did come to a point where I DO FEEL VERY HAPPY JUST TO BE ALIVE !  I hope you will come to that too in good time. 

Good Luck. 

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by PunkyD on Wed Apr 06, 2016 07:19 AM

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On ??? 16, 2016 9:11 PM Meiraperez wrote:

I just joined this group this morning.  My family are sick of hearing it..they look at me like what's my problem?  I should be happy to have no breasts I should be happy that they look like a box I should be happy that I sweat like a pig all night and am in horrible pain I should be happy that I can't do hardly anything like I used too...I should be happy because I'm alive. Well I'm sorry to be a disappointment but I'm not happy.  I'm angry and tired and annoyed and these meds suckered and I feel ugly. 

I'm sick of the appointments I'm sick of the bills I'm sick of no libido I'm sick of it but what the heck else am I supposed to do! I've watched all of Downtown Abby,  Dr who and gone through pintrest for days. Is this feeling normal or is it just me?

Dear Meira,

It is normal to feel the way you do.  No one should judge you.  All that you've been through takes time for adjustment.  You need to grieve what you've lost. You are full of emotions, and your life is not the same as it was. Totally understandable.  Do you have anyone close to talk to? How 'bout a support group? Give yourself time.

Punky

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by Meiraperez on Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:05 PM

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Thank you! I am learning to validate even my smallest accomplishments. ..I got out of bed..good for me! I took a shower...good for me! My support groups are online but I'm OK with that. 

Thanks 

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by Meiraperez on Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:05 PM

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Thank you! I am learning to validate even my smallest accomplishments. ..I got out of bed..good for me! I took a shower...good for me! My support groups are online but I'm OK with that. 

Thanks 

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by pdxjoey on Wed Jun 22, 2016 09:15 PM

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On Apr 06, 2016 12:05 PM Meiraperez wrote:

Thank you! I am learning to validate even my smallest accomplishments. ..I got out of bed..good for me! I took a shower...good for me! My support groups are online but I'm OK with that. 

Thanks 

Hi, I'm also new to the group too and I know how you feel. I was told I was in remission of pancreatic cancer just last year April after having first chemo fo 2 months, then the Whipple and 3 more months of chemo. I'm relieved, but that doesn't stop me from constantly worrying about it returning. I am guessing this not unusual. I am trying to stay positive and have a great support circle of family and friends. I know being positive is not only better for us but also everyone else involved. So, hang in there and hopefully we can lift each other's spirits when we need a boost. Joey

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by jfennessy on Fri Sep 15, 2017 04:47 AM

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On Feb 16, 2016 9:11 PM Meiraperez wrote:

I just joined this group this morning.  My family are sick of hearing it..they look at me like what's my problem?  I should be happy to have no breasts I should be happy that they look like a box I should be happy that I sweat like a pig all night and am in horrible pain I should be happy that I can't do hardly anything like I used too...I should be happy because I'm alive. Well I'm sorry to be a disappointment but I'm not happy.  I'm angry and tired and annoyed and these meds suckered and I feel ugly. 

I'm sick of the appointments I'm sick of the bills I'm sick of no libido I'm sick of it but what the heck else am I supposed to do! I've watched all of Downtown Abby,  Dr who and gone through pintrest for days. Is this feeling normal or is it just me?

Are you still corresponding with your struggle for happiness?

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by dustybust on Fri Jun 22, 2018 06:20 PM

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I have an ostomy due to colorectal cancer and 2 lung surgeies from the cancer that mastized.  I'm in remission but I feel down right depressed.  Seems my hubby would rather spend his time doing jig saw puzzles and in the afternoon the same two guys come over every day just sitting,smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.  I feel that I have disappeared.  Doesn't seem like I've disappeared.  My  emotions,feeling,concerns don't matter to anyone.  I have 2 friends that I consider very close but I don't want to burden them with this problem.  I know they'll ask me to come and stay with them.  But that won't solve any problems.  I can't afford to move so what should this poor girl do.

RE: Struggling when I should be happy

by Mack1994 on Fri Apr 12, 2019 04:25 PM

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On Feb 16, 2016 9:11 PM Meiraperez wrote:

I just joined this group this morning.  My family are sick of hearing it..they look at me like what's my problem?  I should be happy to have no breasts I should be happy that they look like a box I should be happy that I sweat like a pig all night and am in horrible pain I should be happy that I can't do hardly anything like I used too...I should be happy because I'm alive. Well I'm sorry to be a disappointment but I'm not happy.  I'm angry and tired and annoyed and these meds suckered and I feel ugly. 

I'm sick of the appointments I'm sick of the bills I'm sick of no libido I'm sick of it but what the heck else am I supposed to do! I've watched all of Downtown Abby,  Dr who and gone through pintrest for days. Is this feeling normal or is it just me?

Is this feeling normal or is it just me?

It is not just you, what you are experiencing is very real, and cannot be understood by others who have not experieced the struggle that cancer is. I am not female and I cannot know or understand what it is like to have breasts removed, and the resulting body image disturbance.

I have been dealing with brain cancer since 1994, I've had four brain surgeries for tumor resection, the last surgery was February 2017, the pathology came back that it was now a malignant grade 3 oliodendroglioma.

I under went 33 radiation treatments followed by six cycles of chemotherapy, and yes the meds sucked. I was tired and weak all the time, would sleep for three to four hours a day after having slept for ten hours a night. I had no appetite, and went from 180 lbs to 145 lbs and felt ugly, had a hard time just walking and libido is a distant memory. 

People cannot understand what it is like to be confronted with your mortality, we all know that one day we are going to die is for most people an abstract concept, for people like you and I it is the sudden realization that I can die from this that is traumatizing right down to the very essence of our being.

People would say "Well you look good" bullshit, as I stand there with no hair and no teeth that I lost due to infection of the roots of my teeth and the pain of my joints was constant.

Like you I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, the appointments, the constant needle sticks, the nausea, the constipation, the ringing in my ears, the inability to walk up even one flight of stairs and the constant metallic taste in my mouth.

Am I happy to be alive, most certainly, I thank god for every day, so now I have made it all about me! 

Social occasions, if it is within my energy time frame I will attend, if not, I say no because I do not feel well, I also call people on their insensitive statements, such as well your all better now, right? The fuck I am and probably won't ever be the same as I once was, so now I do within my limitations what ever it is that makes me happy and I do not do what I do not want to do. Right now I,m focused on going to the gym and paying careful attention to my diet, because I've recognized this is what I need to do for myself, but I have not forgotten my wife and sons, I let them know every day how grateful I am for their love and support.

I am getting better, I am no longer angry like I was and I've been told I have my sense of humor back, I've come to realize that my happiness is my responsibility, as in happiness is an activity. Determine what is best for yourself and go for it and everyone else be damned. And no I'm not going to give up riding my motorcycle because people say you survived brain cancer and your riding a motorcycle, don't you think that's risky to which I answer "Don't tell me about risk, I've laid on my back in the ER at three am thinking I was going to die, but I'm ALIVE AND I'M GOING TO KEEP ON LIVING AND DOING WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES ME HAPPY!

That's my advice to you, I hope you are feeling better and remember it takes time and be active in your own happiness!

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