My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

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My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by JanineJ9 on Tue Apr 19, 2016 11:24 AM

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Good day guys

My dad passed away exactly two months ago on the 18th of Feb 2016 of cancer. My parents were married for 27years. I found out that my mom already wants to start dating!! We had a huge fight as I just don't understand why she is in such a rush to be with someone now. I am 21 and still live in the house with her so it's not like she's all alone and don't have anyone to talk to. I am furious! I cannot stand the thought of my mom being with another as I myself haven't grieved my dads death yet. I am sruggling really bad and I feel like she doesn't respect my feelings. I don't mind my mom dating in the future, but she could've atleast just given me a few months to adjust to life without my dad being there. The worst part of it all is she wants to date my dads EX best friend!! That's just so disturbing...please advice on what you guys think I should do??

I am devastated! 

JanineJ9

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by sandy26 on Tue Apr 19, 2016 03:05 PM

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JanineJ9,

I am sure you are pretty upset about your mom going on and wanting to date...but, you do not have a clue what your mom is going through. She is lonely and lost and if someone out there can help her through this and she wants to be with them...then let it be. She needs that in her life right now. I am sorry for your loss - Dad's are special to their daughters - I know I lost my Dad in 2009 to cancer and I still miss him so much. But you do not know what your mom feels - it is a different feeling when you lose your Dad over losing your husband. I lost my husband to lung cancer on 12/23/2015 and it is horrible. If there was someone I felt close enough to and it would make this lonely feeling go away I too would find someone to help this bad feeling go away.

You should be thankful. I know it hurts right now because you also have a void in your heart- but bottom line that is your mom's life and if it helps her and makes her happy then let it go. Be happy for her. GO on with your own life.

Sandy

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by StanToronto on Tue Apr 19, 2016 08:44 PM

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Sandy, I lost my both my parents 30 years ago when they had just turned 80; and then a brother, but whatever grief I experienced was only momentary. It was sort of like. "That's the way life is. People get old, and then they die. No big deal!" And I really don't miss them.

But as you say, losing a spouse is ENTIRELY different! Unexpressible Pain X1000!!

My kids, although they are also suffering the same loss have been wonderfully supportive. My kids don't offer me a lot of advice, although they do have a concern, the exact opposite of Janine's; instead of secluding myself to grieve, they want me to get out more, and find new friends to join me as supportive companions as we travel this last mile together.

Just because I am going out with someone, doesn't remotely mean I am 'dating' them. It just means that I am spending quality time with a friend. And my kids know that while I might spend quality time with a friend, I will never re-marry, because they know that I will never become un-married to the bride of my youth.

The big danger of choosing seclusion, is that it can develop into long term clinical "socio-phobia"; and that's not the best way to deal with the new reality.

Certainly, Janine's mother is on the right track in creating a new life, and a new reality. I was recently loaned a book by a clinical psychologist: "When the Bottom Drops Out", by Dr. Robert Bugh. Within a year and a half, both his best friend and his wife died from cancer. His only remaining close friend, was his best friend's wife. And with the support of both of their children/step children, they got married. Is this the best life had to offer? When you are in your mid-fifties, there is probably not all that much left, and their resolution was somewhat better than should be expected. But if you just sit at home grieving, that's all that life will ever offer: 'sitting at home grieving'. :-(   

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by beachantiqueFLA on Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:00 PM

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On Apr 19, 2016 11:24 AM JanineJ9 wrote:

Good day guys

My dad passed away exactly two months ago on the 18th of Feb 2016 of cancer. My parents were married for 27years. I found out that my mom already wants to start dating!! We had a huge fight as I just don't understand why she is in such a rush to be with someone now. I am 21 and still live in the house with her so it's not like she's all alone and don't have anyone to talk to. I am furious! I cannot stand the thought of my mom being with another as I myself haven't grieved my dads death yet. I am sruggling really bad and I feel like she doesn't respect my feelings. I don't mind my mom dating in the future, but she could've atleast just given me a few months to adjust to life without my dad being there. The worst part of it all is she wants to date my dads EX best friend!! That's just so disturbing...please advice on what you guys think I should do??

I am devastated! 

JanineJ9

JaninJ9,

Caregiving takes an extreme toll on the human condition...the whole being.  I cared for my own husband for 4 years.  I kept him home when the hospital recommended hospice.  I loved him more than the earth wind and stars....BUT...

He has now been gone 2 months and I want to laugh again.  I do not want anyone to share my bed, or kiss me.  I just want to laugh again.  I want to enjoy a movie or dinner with someone who has something to talk about other than cancer!

Cancer has consumed me for 4 years.  Comsumed every minute of my day, every brain cell, every emotion.  I will never forget and I am sure I will never fully recover from the experience of watching the man I loved die.

There is no one on this earth that knows exactly what this feels like except the spouse.  Please hug your mom and turn "a blind eye".  Just let her enjoy laughter again without being judged.  Show your mom the kindness she deserves.  Its only about the need to feel like part of the human race again.

With love and understanding,

BeachantieuFLA

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by sandy26 on Tue Apr 19, 2016 11:06 PM

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BeachantieuFLA,

Very well said - I agree...It would be so nice to laugh again. I too, would never want to hug, kiss or love someone like I did my husband - but I would like to have fun. It's a new life. What ever it takes to come back from the death of your husdand - then go for it. It is a hard thing to do.

So JaninJ9 be happy for your mama - take it as a  compliment that someone else finds her attractive and wants to be with her. Be proud and happy for her. She is moving on...and that is a very hard thing to do.

Sandy

CancerTakesAll CancerTakesAll
(Inactive)

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by CancerTakesAll on Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:02 AM

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On Apr 19, 2016 11:24 AM JanineJ9 wrote:

Good day guys

My dad passed away exactly two months ago on the 18th of Feb 2016 of cancer. My parents were married for 27years. I found out that my mom already wants to start dating!! We had a huge fight as I just don't understand why she is in such a rush to be with someone now. I am 21 and still live in the house with her so it's not like she's all alone and don't have anyone to talk to. I am furious! I cannot stand the thought of my mom being with another as I myself haven't grieved my dads death yet. I am sruggling really bad and I feel like she doesn't respect my feelings. I don't mind my mom dating in the future, but she could've atleast just given me a few months to adjust to life without my dad being there. The worst part of it all is she wants to date my dads EX best friend!! That's just so disturbing...please advice on what you guys think I should do??

I am devastated! 

JanineJ9

Sorry, but this post seems a little to contrived and convenient. It just doesn't ring true. I think someone is playing games.....

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by JanineJ9 on Wed Apr 20, 2016 09:04 AM

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Good day guys

I wasn't expecting to be attacked like this!! I know exactly what my mom is going through I see it every single day...she is also on medication to help her cope.

I just wanted to come on here and talk about how I feel about the whole dating situation, because I need help on how to deal with it as I don't have any other support system. I lost my brother too 6 years ago and really don't have any other family or friends that I can talk to! 

I appreciate everyone's cocern about my mom and what she is going through. She definitely has great friends and people there for her to support her with everything. 

Thanks anyway

CancerTakesAll CancerTakesAll
(Inactive)

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by CancerTakesAll on Thu Apr 21, 2016 01:22 AM

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Let me be more specific, one of the regulars here on CC is playing games. Stan loves drama and this post just happens to be one of the subjects he likes to argue about. My gut tells me something it not right here.

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by bobss396 on Thu Apr 21, 2016 11:48 AM

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Everyone moves back to a normal life at a different speed. I'm happy sometimes just to talk with people who are not aware of what I've been through.

Dating, I'm close to the 2 year mark and can't get my head around doing that. Maybe something platonic, a movie and dinner with a friend.

A good lady friend was trying to fix me up with this nice lady that goes to the same bar that we do. She's separated and has her own problems and I marginally deal wiith my own right now.

RE: My mom wants to start dating after 2months!

by sandy26 on Thu Apr 21, 2016 02:11 PM

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bobss396-

I understand what you are saying - you'd like to have that friendship a companion to talk to and have fun and share your life with but it is just not the same as your spouse and it will never be like that again. I too would love to find something that will take away this empty feeling, this sad lonely feeling. Somedays I am ok and others I just cry for my husband. He is never coming back so I must try and move on. I remember all the good times and laugh. It would be nice to find someone... but I don't think it will happen...my soulmate died on 12/23/2015 and I miss him everyday. We were bonded together for 40 years and that is hard to replace. Good luck to all of us. Moving on is a very hard thing to do.

Sandy

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