Husband is emotionally abusive...

11 Posts | Page(s): 1 2  Next 

Husband is emotionally abusive...

by RachelMarie on Tue Feb 07, 2017 03:20 AM

Quote | Reply

We have been married 17 years, he has base of tongue cancer into his lymph nodes. He has already had surgery, and now we are waiting for the oral surgeon to remove his teeth so we can begin radiation and chemo. He has always called me names, mocked me, bullied me, intimidated me, makes a fist like he's going to hit me, slaps the air like he's going to slap me and for the past 2 days (he's been feeling a little better) is doing it all over again.  He snaps at me all the time, (usually I would just call him on it) but since he has cancer I just keep it to myself. I have never done anything right, he is rude to me at the drs offices, when he was in the hospital, etc... and I have overlooked it because he may be dying.  My problem is that if he is healed from this cancer, I don't know if it is worth it anymore to be here. I am on disability and I would be able to get a place... and sometimes I dream of being able to just walk around without walking around like I'm on eggshells, or of I am going to make too much noise doing the dishes, setting a cup on the table too loud, even vacuum. He has always wanted to check my every move, and constantly puts down my family. All of them.  I have promised God that I would see him through this illness. I don't want to be a sinner, and I pray that God will do what's best and give me strength to just get through one day at a time.  Thank You for letting me vent.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by Wifeofmichael on Mon Feb 13, 2017 10:28 PM

Quote | Reply
Here's a big fat prayer for you, my friend :) May God give you strength and clarity of mind. May he lead you to the good council of holy and wise people. May He protect you from harm and comfort you always. God is kind, he is pure love and mercy and he knows how much you are trying to do the right thing. The voice in your head saying you will be a sinner for thinking of your own safety and sanity is probably your husbands voice. I really doubt that it's coming from God. It must be very hard for you from day to day, I'm so sorry that you have to tiptoe around. Going through cancer as a caregiver is a different trip for each of us. I'd rather be hanging tiny curtains in a refrigerator box than go through life with a person like you have described regardless of any illness they have. I'm just saying I'd rather do it, not that I have HAD to make that choice so I'd never judge anyone based on their decision to stay or leave. I pray for help and protection every day. I'm pretty sure I'm going to outlive my spouse ( who can be really difficult, is pretty ill and depressed and acts outright crazy at times from a brain tumor) so I have a counselor, I meet regularly with my parish priest and I have my faith community to lean on in the meantime. I also have a plan to take care of myself if things escalate as my poor husband gets sicker. If I ever have to live under a different roof and care for him from a distance with help from a county nurse or a private agency, thats an option, too. There are many ways you can see this man through his illness and you don't know that you haven't picked the worst alternative by staying in the house with him. You also don't know that things wont work in the big picture out in a way different than you'd ever imagine. God bless you! Stay safe. Don't be afraid to dream, I understand myself the things that you want! What it takes to get through just a day around my house...It can be pretty isolating and lonely. My friends here on this site totally get it, though. Don't be afraid of being a sinner because you fear for your safety and sanity. God is with you always.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by imyaya on Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:22 PM

Quote | Reply

My husband gets verbally abusive and holds his fist like he will hit me.  I always blamed it on the steroids.  Not sure.  The more he loooses control of his body and things he can't do, the more he tries to control me. I have told him (when things are calm) that the day he puts a mark on my that I will call the police and have him arrested, then have him committed. A lot of people including the pastor know about this. Don't ever keep it to yourself. Cancer or not , abuse is abuse.   My friend went thru the same thing when her husband had cancer.  He is gone now and she says that after what he put her thru it has tainted her memories of him. I guess it'll happen to you and I also if we outlive them. Also please know that the cancer doctors are really only interested in the "numbers" not side effects. Our regular doctor sent my hubby to a pshchologist but he would not let me go see him.  No telling what he told him.I still don't understand why the counselor continued to see him after he refused to bring me at the counselors request. I guess it's all about $$$$$$Please be safe.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by imyaya on Fri Aug 04, 2017 11:23 PM

Quote | Reply

My husband gets verbally abusive and holds his fist like he will hit me.  I always blamed it on the steroids.  Not sure.  The more he loooses control of his body and things he can't do, the more he tries to control me. I have told him (when things are calm) that the day he puts a mark on my that I will call the police and have him arrested, then have him committed. A lot of people including the pastor know about this. Don't ever keep it to yourself. Cancer or not , abuse is abuse.   My friend went thru the same thing when her husband had cancer.  He is gone now and she says that after what he put her thru it has tainted her memories of him. I guess it'll happen to you and I also if we outlive them. Also please know that the cancer doctors are really only interested in the "numbers" not side effects. Our regular doctor sent my hubby to a pshchologist but he would not let me go see him.  No telling what he told him.I still don't understand why the counselor continued to see him after he refused to bring me at the counselors request. I guess it's all about $$$$$$Please be safe.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by Shelley0508 on Sun Sep 17, 2017 05:58 AM

Quote | Reply
Do not take abuse. It could get worse, see if u can get dr to treat him for depression or anxiety and u may see a change. Cancer or not this is not ok treatment. Get counseling for yourself!!! Prayers be with you!!

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by PCinVirginia on Sun Dec 03, 2017 11:39 PM

Quote | Reply

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  Unfortunately, if your husband wasn't nice before cancer, cancer doesn't make things better.  If anything, at least for me, it has removed whatever restraint my husband had before.  Part of it is the pain and the opiates.  My husband becomes very exacting, dictating how things must be done, correcting me on things that have no consequence and that I'm absolutely right on (this ranges from the type of cheese in the refrigerator to how many Clozipan he has taken in a day to what kind of colas we have in the frig to the time and day it is).  If you can, let these things go.  All of this is about him, it isn't you.  Once your husband is over his cancer bout, you can always leave.  You don't have to make that decision now and if it gets too much, you can leave him now.  In the meantime, pray for patience, courage and strength; and pray for him to be healed and to recognize all that you do and to treat you with the love and respect you deserve.  My husband has pancreatic cancer and so far the treatments:  whipple and chemo haven't worked.  We had to stop chemo because he got so weak and frail.  He was down to 91 pounds.  He's now about 108 and that's with three months of no treatment.  It does not look good for him so he is angrier and meaner especially because of the pain--it has increased.  When the pain is abated, he loves me and appreciates me. It took cancer for me to realize he really does love me and we've been together for 22 years.  When he is in pain, he'll kick me in the chest because I'm too rough changing his pjs and threaten me.  This really angers me and it scares me.  I don't want to spend whatever time I have left with him walking on egg shells, listening to angry rants, cleaning up food and broken dishes thrown on the walls or even holes in the bedroom walls and defending myself.  It has happened.  It breaks my heart.  You aren't a sinner to feel the way you do.  In fact, you are a saint in my book to hang in there.  Do the right thing not only for him but for yourself.  Rely on your faith and seek support from your family and friends.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by PCinVirginia on Sun Dec 03, 2017 11:42 PM

Quote | Reply

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  Unfortunately, if your husband wasn't nice before cancer, cancer doesn't make things better.  If anything, at least for me, it has removed whatever restraint my husband had before.  Part of it is the pain and the opiates.  My husband becomes very exacting, dictating how things must be done, correcting me on things that have no consequence and that I'm absolutely right on (this ranges from the type of cheese in the refrigerator to how many Clozipan he has taken in a day to what kind of colas we have in the frig to the time and day it is).  If you can, let these things go.  All of this is about him, it isn't you.  Once your husband is over his cancer bout, you can always leave.  You don't have to make that decision now and if it gets too much, you can leave him now.  In the meantime, pray for patience, courage and strength; and pray for him to be healed and to recognize all that you do and to treat you with the love and respect you deserve.  My husband has pancreatic cancer and so far the treatments:  whipple and chemo haven't worked.  We had to stop chemo because he got so weak and frail.  He was down to 91 pounds.  He's now about 108 and that's with three months of no treatment.  It does not look good for him so he is angrier and meaner especially because of the pain--it has increased.  When the pain is abated, he loves me and appreciates me. It took cancer for me to realize he really does love me and we've been together for 22 years.  When he is in pain, he'll kick me in the chest because I'm too rough changing his pjs and threaten me.  This really angers me and it scares me.  I don't want to spend whatever time I have left with him walking on egg shells, listening to angry rants, cleaning up food and broken dishes thrown on the walls or even holes in the bedroom walls and defending myself.  It has happened.  It breaks my heart.  You aren't a sinner to feel the way you do.  In fact, you are a saint in my book to hang in there.  Do the right thing not only for him but for yourself.  Rely on your faith and seek support from your family and friends.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by Sdurnell on Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:27 AM

Quote | Reply

Rachel,

I am so sorry about this.  This is terrible, and it has nothing to do with the cancer or the treatment, believe me.  Plenty of folks endure the misery he has without taking it out on loved ones.  However, since this is his pattern, the stress he is under due to his illness will make it hard for him to change even if he wants to.

If he refuses to go for counseling, I suggest that you go by yourself.  Head and neck patients hardly evern require 24-hour care (regardless of what they may think or expect), so I recommend that you put this on the top of your list.  You need strategies to stay physically safe and to manage what would be a difficult time for both of you even under the best of circumstances.

A prescription for an antidepressant or anxiety medication might well be in order for him.  You can talk to his doctors privately in person or by phone, and while HIPPA may prevent them from talking about his case, you are free to talk to them about it.  During my treatment I was put back on the antidepressant that I'd taken years earlier.  And when it caused some physical problems, I was switched to another one.  I also had a panic attack--my first--during treatment and for a time took something for anxiety as well.  I only needed it during treatment.

And sometimes caregivers need to take something themselves to endure the hardships they face.  Don't rule it out.

If he does not have a history of tobacco use he may well survive this cancer, but it takes five years to know for sure.  This might be too long for you.

If you have a priest or minister now is the time to ask that person for help.  Some are qualified as counselors, and others can recommend where you can get help.  They are also required to keep anything you tell them confidential.

Please know that there is no way you will be sinning if you have to leave before those five years are up.  If you can get through his radiation and on the way to healing, you will have done your job by your husband.

All the best,

Susan

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by eternalife on Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:57 PM

Quote | Reply

I am sorry to hear another story like this.. it seems to be quite common for male cancer patients to act out their frustration on the caregiver. Mine was miserable.. feared dying and was often verbally absurd... we have to think it is not pretty.. some people don't like not being in control and this shows up big time. I think that the steroids do influence the behavior.. the aggressive nature and the acting out. I don't make excuses for this though.. keep your faith and good friends. If you can access a support group do so.. I belonged to a hospice family and without them I would have gone coo coo. I made friends and we have bonded and meet for dinners regularly.. Don't give up, but if you can't handle it all... seek help and remember his story is not your story.

Let go and let God...

All the best.. keep posting others will listen.

RE: Husband is emotionally abusive...

by Ronnie44 on Fri Mar 30, 2018 05:24 AM

Quote | Reply

On Feb 07, 2017 3:20 AM RachelMarie wrote:

We have been married 17 years, he has base of tongue cancer into his lymph nodes. He has already had surgery, and now we are waiting for the oral surgeon to remove his teeth so we can begin radiation and chemo. He has always called me names, mocked me, bullied me, intimidated me, makes a fist like he's going to hit me, slaps the air like he's going to slap me and for the past 2 days (he's been feeling a little better) is doing it all over again.  He snaps at me all the time, (usually I would just call him on it) but since he has cancer I just keep it to myself. I have never done anything right, he is rude to me at the drs offices, when he was in the hospital, etc... and I have overlooked it because he may be dying.  My problem is that if he is healed from this cancer, I don't know if it is worth it anymore to be here. I am on disability and I would be able to get a place... and sometimes I dream of being able to just walk around without walking around like I'm on eggshells, or of I am going to make too much noise doing the dishes, setting a cup on the table too loud, even vacuum. He has always wanted to check my every move, and constantly puts down my family. All of them.  I have promised God that I would see him through this illness. I don't want to be a sinner, and I pray that God will do what's best and give me strength to just get through one day at a time.  Thank You for letting me vent.

Its a relief to know I am not crazy or alone.   I was beginning to think that I must be evil for thinking and feeling the way you feel and what you have been going through.    I have been married for 11 years now and describe my husband and our marriage exactly as yours.    He has always been rude and disrespectful, swearing at me and calling me names right from the time I moved in with him in 2005.   But to everyone else he has always been the nice, funny, quirky hard working man. Hard working yes but also mean, which not many seem to know.  Over the years he has always denied this behavior, ignoring me, being distant and making rude remarks until I threaten to leave and then he apologizes.   In the winter of 2016, I decided that I had had it and was ready to go.   Kids were older, 7 & 8.  I had a job and starting to regain a small circle of friends again. They too at times witnessed some strange behavior, like him calling me right when I got to work to make sure I was there every day, calling me before I left to make sure I was leaving, calling repeadtly throughout the day.  As I got my courage and began preperations in the spring of 2016, he was then diagnosed with cancer in April 2016.   I thought perhaps the cancer might change him and make him kinder, calmer, less controlling and not only kinder to me but to his boys too, he  barely has any patience for them, unless they are playing a sport.   He has put his fist up to me as well like to hit me but never has.   He is very distant and cold and an alcholic.  Why not leave in the beginning?  He indicated that this abusive behavior is due to his OCD and I felt like I should help him and stay with him.   He had a mental illness afterall and I loved him despite the early abuse.  I felt I could change him, help him.  Not the case.   Fast forward 9.5 years later, I'm done and ready to leave and he gets diagnosed with cancer.  

I thought with the cancer things would change and instead the abuse worsened and now he insisted on using the fact that he had cancer for his abusive treatment towards me and the kids but never anyone else.   He always makes me feel that I am overreacting and that I'm always grumpy not him.   For the last 2 years Ive tried to keep quiet as I too was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2016 and thought ok, now he'll be better.   Nope.  Still the same mental abuse.   I struggle so much because no one knows the real him, they all think he's the cat's meow and I could see why.  He is at times, throughout my treatment he was always there to drive me and bring me home.  But emotionally non existant.   I didn't demand much because he was also going through his own struggles with his cancer.   But he still managed to find complaints about me, even sometimes that I was exagerating the side effects of chemo.  But never infront of company.   I just finished my treatment in August 2017 and currently going through breast reconstruction surgeries, probably until the end of 2018.   So going back to work is not an option until 2019. Last time when I breifly returned to work for couple of years, it was exhausting, I never had time for myself,  I still did all the chores around the house and worked fulltime and responsible for everything regarding the kids, except when it came to sports, he was very involved in that.

Feeling so trapped, worried that these may be how my last years may end.  Trapped and depressed.   I fear I would be a villian if I left, since his cancer is worse than mine, as he has reminded me on occassion.  

Like I said at the beginning of my reply to RachelMarie's post, comforting to know, I'm not the only one.   Just wish there was a happier more positive solution to this.

11 Posts | Page(s): 1 2  Next 
Subscribe to this message board discussion

Latest Messages

View More

We care about your feedback. Let us know how we can improve your CancerCompass experience.