How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

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RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by imyaya on Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:52 PM

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On Sep 12, 2017 1:43 AM tippymicky504 wrote:

PP thanks for your concern. Everything was 'running clear' out of my nose, so she said it's the tail end of the cold mixed with allergies. Spraying saline stuff up my nose. TMI! Seems like small potatoes compared to what I've gone through recently and what you are going through now. I'll think about the puppy idea. My heart is breaking for you and the Duke. I'm having flashbacks, and it's so sad to think about you both going through that. He's that bad now? He sure put up a good fight though, didn't he? It's easy to say, but it's true...it's out of your hands. You were prepared, informed and did everything humanly possible. But we have our limits in these situations, and no one, NO ONE, can understand unless they go through it. Hospice is helpful, but final. I pray the Duke finds peace, and that you stay strong. I wish I could be there for you. We could go somewhere and just scream together. Hugs Marge

It is good to finally here from you Pete.  Oh what you are going thru is tough.  I can't fathom a home nurse that is so inept. I'd like to say things happen, but when it is someone's life it is hard to allow any of that.  Ray, I feel so sorry that you must go thru the feelings attached to your wife's clothes. Perhaps a charity that helps women is the best answer. You will know when the time is right. Blessings to all of you, Yaya

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by Ahole on Tue Sep 12, 2017 02:01 PM

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Well, we can scream together separately, Marge! LOL Glad to hear your nose trouble isn't serious. I guess a lot of things will feel like small potatoes after the trauma of losing a spouse.

Yes, the Duke put up a helluva fight, but he's beginning to let go. No appetite, talking less and at times just looks at me with a glassy stare when I speak to him.  He just doesn't want to engage in life anymore. He's bombarded with symptoms all of a sudden and getting sullen and depressed. Part of me feels relieved that he's giving in, and the other part is just devastated that our life together is over. 

Our stories are the stuff that poignant movies are made of. Hollywood just leaves out the phlem and the diarrhea. (I know, TMI) But my point is that this is real life at it's grittiest, and we are privileged to love this deeply that we have so much to lose when it's done. I have to think there is a reason why we are meant to go on alone. Guess I will have plenty of time on my hands soon to figure that out. - Hugs backatcha, Patty

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by CaregiverPete on Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:45 AM

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Hi to all my peeps.

I wanted to take a moment for the Duke. I hope he can have some time with peppermint without so much pain. Hopefully the hospice caregivers can give the Duke needed relief.

And a moment for Lisa and Gregg. Get through those treatments and plan some time for togetherness. I'd love to read a post about a little or big trip you had together. Good times.

Breath.

My wife and I now know everything. The breast cancer is back. But it's days are numbered. It metastasized to her bones on her pelvic area. (Little spot) No organ Mets. There is some medical condition that bridges my wife's breast cancer to her pleural having malignancy  (left drainage issue) docs explained it in medical science. All they said is that the drainage will stop when treatment starts. That's All I need to know. 

Me, my wife, oncologist, RN'S, NP'S, and the rest of her medical team are on a seek n destroy mission. 

Her treatment is as follows. 

She will be on XGEVA - injection for bone density treatment and XELODA oral chemotherapy for breast cancer killing. 8 pills a day for 2 weeks then 7 days off, repeat for 4 cycles. 

We should be done by January.

I apologize for combative war like references  (seek n destroy, killing)  But it's how we feel. Some disease is trying to rip us apart. Ain't gonna happen. Whatever it takes.

Fatigue .... don't  matter

Weight loss.... don't  matter 

Weird nasty side effects .... It don't f#$%ing matter 

We're in this ....to beat this....

--------------------------------------------------------------

On a lighter side.. less aggressive 

I've already planned some romantic, therapeutic, and  relaxing trips to our spa retreat on her off weeks. Some surprise flower deliveries, cleaning and....oh yes....all the cooking of her favorite treats. 

My never ending thanks to all my caregiving islanders. You've all been in my corner before and still to this day.

I need you all for this next fight. I won't/can't  loose with all of you behind me. 

Pete.  

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by Ray725 on Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:18 PM

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What really great news Pete, so so pleased.  Make sure that you really spoil that girl over the chemo weeks.  Ray

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by CaregiverPete on Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:54 PM

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Thanks Ray

I'm already looking forward to her smiles. 

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by tippymicky504 on Wed Sep 13, 2017 03:12 PM

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Hello Pete, Your wife is a blessed woman to have you in her life... Sounds like there is a good treatment plan in place...finally...and your strength and determination will take you a long way, too. Cancer IS a seek and destroy mission, no apologies needed. Your plans for the off weeks are wonderful and show the true depth of your love for your wife. Kudos. Praying for both of you. Marge

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by Ray725 on Wed Sep 13, 2017 07:28 PM

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HELP!! I think I need help, am I being so selfish! Saw my mother-in-law today.  On her original will she had left everything between Helen and her sister Catherine, and if anything happened to either Helen or Catherine before she passed their children (our 2 and Catherines 2) would inherit their mothers share of the inheritance.  Helen's mother told me today that she was changing her will to leave everything to Catherine, and Catherine would then hand out what she thought fit to the 4 grandchidren (her 2 and our 2).  Now I know Catherine is not in a great place, just 6 years ago Helen saved her sister from bankruptcy, she has recovered but she has a husband who is not great provider, a son who at 32 years of age is going nowhere and a daughter who has also tied herself to another hopeless case.  Helens mother has not got a lot her house is not worth that much, but I feel so let down.  I am financially secure but only because I worked hard to ensure that Helen would not have to worry about money and we gave up things to ensure that would happen.  Now it seems on the basis that my MIL presumes I am financially secure (she does not know but correctly assumes), and our 2 sons are in well paid employment, that she should give all to Catherine. Now I do trust Catherine to do the right thing and not a great deal of money is involved but I feel so let down.  I also know that I can hear Helen saying "let her have it" because she loved her sister, so why am I feeling like this!!! I hate feeling so resentful but it is what it is - so help!!

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by tippymicky504 on Wed Sep 13, 2017 09:25 PM

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Hi Ray, Wish I could say something positive, but it is her choice. Life us not fair...haven't we both learned that! I understand you're feeling let down, but I think you just have to chalk it up to someone being thoughtless. . It's best for you not to worry about it. Easy to say, I know. I have some similar things going on in my life with Don's family. But I'm the one making the decision. Although I put some money into buying our house, Don paid for the bulk so we wouldn't gave a mortgage to worry about in case one of us passed. Now the house is mine. One daughter didn't come to see her father when he was sick and did not come to his funeral. One son kicked his father and pushed me across the room breaking my wrist. All the others and their spouses, except one daughter haven't shown their faces since the funeral 4 months ago. They all expect a share of the house. You can imagine what my reaction is to that. Of course your situation is not because of conflict, but, again, it is her choice. Maybe she'll forget about it or put it off and it will never happen. Like I said, it's not fair, but it is her choice. Sorry. Marge

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by Ray725 on Wed Sep 13, 2017 09:45 PM

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I hear what you say Marge but it is so unfair.  I uprooted Helen twice to move hundreds of miles away from our home and Helen spent long days and nights on her own whilst I worked away in soulless hotels just to improve our position. (Catherine moved 1/2 mile away from home).  And on the assumption that I would go first I ensured that Helen would be well taken care of and now this!! Barbara (Helen's mother) is not a totally selfish person but has over the years been a little uncareing. I do wish I could be more philosophical ( is that a word!!?) but again just feel so let down. I know I should let it go but!!!

RE: How are you coping with caregiving? Open ongoing thoughts.

by Ahole on Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:15 PM

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Boy, that's a tough one, Ray. Barbara is looking at the situation from a mother with one child left, and your perspective is as the father of two young men who appear to have been left out. I hope you're right about Catherine doing the right thing. Marge is right, nothing you can do about Barbara's decision but you are having strong emotions that need to be expressed.  I would suggest writing Barbara a letter telling her exactly how this feels, expletives and all....but don't mail it!  Throw it in the fireplace and watch the smoke carry those emotions away.  That is a good ritual that can help you rid your psyche and your heart of hard feelings and just let it go.  - PP

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