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MamaEmt's Message Board Messages

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Burnt Out

by MamaEmt - June 11 at 5:59 AM

I am new here. It's been almost 7 years since my husband's diagnosis of Metastatic ColoRectal Cancer. I am tired. I am going to vent, because, if I don't, I will go off on him (it's not his fault) or one of the kids (they don't deserve that). 7 years of on and off chemo. 7 years of slowly losing the guy I fell in in love with. He's 5 freaking years younger than me, for God's sake. Yet, his short term memory is fried. The neuropathy in his feet is so bad, he walks like he is 80. This guy played basketball and tennis before the diagnosis. Now he can barely walk to the entrance of the store. Brad just got out of the hospital after a 3 week stay. He had pneumonia, pain and a bleeding tumor in his small bowel. Treated the pneumonia for 7 days; had surgery to remove the tumor and resect the bowel. The surgeon tells us if he hadn't had the surgery, he would have been in hospice within a week, two max. We call  him the luckiest unlucky guy. He is home now, 30lbs lighter, not really himself. What brought me here, after 7 years of being strong? What pretty much has broke me, is gross. It's shit. Vulgar. I am sorry, but, damn it, having to clean up my 43 yr old husband because he can't make it to the bathroom on time is just wrong. It's unfair . It's not right. It's humiliating for him. 3 weeks in the hospital. Me not working for two weeks (hey, guess what? When you run out of PL, you don't get paid!!) Me driving 30 miles, one way to see him. Sleeping/not sleeping in that God Awful sleep chair that, pardon me, is so NOT conducive to sleeping. Me feeling guilty because I have to go home and take the kids to appointments and pay bills, while he is telling me to come back. And now he can't make it the bathroom and I should just buy stock in the Clorox company, because I have to continually disinfect EVERYTHING. I am angry. BUT, I can't be angry at him, because he didn't do this to himself. I am angry that my kids have been cheated out of a healthy Dad. They are good caregivers to him, too. My poor 14 yr old  son had to help clean him up and  the bathroom up because I had to work. I feel guilty as hell about that. I didn't want to go to work and leave  him with three teens, but I needed to earn a paycheck this week. 

I am not at my wit's end, I don't think. But, God, when do I get to catch a break?

 

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About MamaEmt

Caregiver
Colon Cancer, Rectal Cancer
Emotional Support

48 yr old wife to Brad, mother of 4 teenagers. I am also an EMT working 3 days a week at a city hospital. (That's my sanity)

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