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jfunbug's Message Board Messages

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RE: Update to Devastated :(

by jfunbug - January 25 at 12:23 PM

Thank you Punky!!!

He has been acting wierd lately (Read post to other person), calling me with different emotions, wants me in his life, doesn't want me in his life, stop telling people I have cancer, you have treated me like crap when we were together (So on and so forth)....

He now denies he ever was told he had 6 months to live so I don't know what is going on....

RE: Cancer makes my husband mean

by jfunbug - January 25 at 12:20 PM

Hi sorry you are going through this.  I don't know how to answer you yet I am kind of going through the same thing.

My bf/Xbf has stage 4 kidney cancer and told me we were done a month ago.  He goes through these wierd stages where he'll call and be sad, saying he wants me back in his life.  Then he calls days later to complain about how I treated him like crap when we were together. 

He called Tuesday to yell at me that I am telling everyone he has cancer, doesn't want anyone knowing his business and rudely said if I have something to say to him to contact him directly.  I had no idea what he was referring to as I have not been doing what he is accusing me of doing....

I hope someone here can give you a better answer.  I have heard that this is normal behavior for cancer patients. 

He would go through these stages when we were together (Mostly ending with me and calling crying days later saying he wanted to get back...)

I talked to my doctor and she advised me/us as caregivers/loved ones to take care of ourselves, eat healhy, exercise/yoga/meditation/support groups.  Good luck and God bless. 

Update to Devastated :(

by jfunbug - January 19 at 5:40 PM

So I found out that bf was told in the beginning of November that he had six months to live. He told a few close personal friends and family, but not me. They were told not to tell me. 

He reached out to me on Xmas and New Year’s and I did not respond. 

Now his health status has changed where his chemo treatment has changed to something more potent until next January; meaning he is not going anywhere in 6 months. 

On Monday he reached out to a friend and told her that he loves me and wants to get back with me. He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I helped him greatly and he missed me. He also kept contacting her to find out if she spoke to me yet following the day they talked as she had not had time to reach out to me. 

She told me that I need to “forgive and forget” and reach out to him. I told her that I am not reaching out to him and would be open to meeting for coffee and chat he knows where to find me. 

I have trust issues to begin with and in a perfect world we would get back together yesterday and live happily ever after. BUT I DO NOT TRUST HIM and without trust I don’t think this will work since he needs to concentrate on his health and not worry about my trust issues.

I feel if he could tell his close friends/family he could tell me; even if he wanted to break up for a while I would understand, tell him I am here if he needs me and walk out with pride, not humiliation that he has bestowed upon me.

Around that time I bumped into one of his former coworkers asked how things were since he was “on his death bed,” and I told him he was not on his death bed and was doing well. What a fool I must have looked like!!!!!

I’m sorry if I sound like a nasty person by saying this but I feel that I deserved the truth. 

So this is where I stand, trying to move forward. He has not reached out to me since my conversation with our mutual friend. I feel bad for him and wish him the best, but I do not think I can ever trust/get back to the way we were. It’s a shame since we could really of had a great relationship. 

I love it!! Just heard it for the first time (See my post) although it was Vera Lynn...Great song

RE: Devastated :(

by jfunbug - December 22 at 5:47 PM

And also thank you Pete for your advice on the support groups only I won't be needing them anymore.  He refused to go to any support groups for himself....

Devastated :(

by jfunbug - December 22 at 5:37 PM

I posted here a few weeks back in regards to my boyfriend with stage 4 kidney cancer and how he was meeting with the doctors for an update on his prognosis (Thank you Granitejunkie for your response)…

 The week of his doctor appointment he had me at arm’s length and two days after his doctor appointment (Which he claimed everything was GREAT) he told me we were done. He would not say why or what I had done wrong. I was astounded and devastated. We never had any fights and got along well, I treated him like a king and he was my best friend. I feel completely used and since we were having sex regularly I wonder if I was just a piece of meat to him. 

 He began bar hopping with his buddies and doing favors for everyone on the planet, stopped eating healthy and stopped exercising. (We weekly shopped for healthy foods and went to the gym a few times a week and he asked for my input on things in order to aid in beating his cancer. 

 I have not heard from him in over two weeks. We went from seeing each other all the time to now nothing. This happened about two months ago where, once again, everything was going good when he said he couldn’t be in a relationship due to his cancer and we took a break; however we still communicated via text and he reached out after a week saying he missed me and wanted me in his life. 

 His Christmas presents are still under my tree; I still can’t decide whether to reach out to him? Donate them? Give them to others?

 I am beyond devastated, he is out partying while I am a here feeling like I was used and disregarded like a piece of trash. I have all my might to not text him and blast him. We have mutual friends who reach out to me; but want to call him to find out why he did this and/or are pushing me to call him. I am stopping myself from reaching out to him because it is too hard and I know that I cannot hold it together. 

 I recently heard that his sister said he is “VERY VERY SICK” and I don’t know if he has lied to me about his prognosis. One friend confided to another that she doesn’t want to reach out to me because I start crying and she doesn’t want to be upset over Christmas. I was told by some friends that I am selfish, saying “You are not the once with cancer.” But I would have stayed with him until the end!!!!

 I don’t know what to do. One of my coworkers told me that I am better off and told me of two stories of two gay couples (We have gay marriage in our state and this was prior to that) who dealt with this situation, one story the sick man ended the relationship with his boyfriend because he didn’t want him to watch him die and he died alone. The second story was the boyfriend took care of his sick boyfriend before he died, the family came into the mix and booted the boyfriend out of their home and took all the possessions…Hence you’re better off speech….but I am not so sure….

 So here I am, devastated while he is out partying, posting on Facebook and Twitter about how great his life is and I was disregarded like a piece of trash. So basically this Christmas sucks for me. Sorry if I sound like a Debbie downer…

New here looking to vent

by jfunbug - December 08 at 3:52 PM

Boyfriend has stage 4 kidney cancer and we have been struggling with this nightmare and I just want it to end.
He had to retire from the military due to the cancer and is having a hard time expressing his feelings and talking about it. 
He tells everyone he is going "Great!!!" when he is not...I read a recent post where the patient was laughing and joking on the phone with his friends..he does the same thing but is not mean or nasty, just distances himself from me; doesn't want to talk yet talks all day on phone with friends whoopping it up.
Today bf meets with the doctors to determine if his first round of chemo has been working.
We had a lousy thanksgiving, he became depressed as his family was selfish, demanding he visit with family members who do not speak to one another (in past years he visited separate homes, but this year he was too sick/tired).
He was stressed out with what decision to make and I suggested he can come with me out of state with my family which didn’t go over well “oh so you’re going to go with your gf instead of us when you might not be here next year?????) wtf…. I told him he doesn’t have to go with me if it is going to cause more stress, so he decided to go to one home but thought he would disappoint me.  I assured him it was ok.  Later he confided in me he did not have a good time, he felt stressed but really did not want to talk about what happened. 

This week he was super stressed and wanted time alone.  he had testing Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (taking himself to the hospital, he confided in me that his sister was taking him and she made it all about her and stressed him out even more.  I offered to take time off from work and take him but he refused). 
We do not live together I have been there for him, coming by to help him with the everyday things, putting Xmas lights up, shoveling snow and hiring a cleaning lady.  We do not live together and I bring over a huge pot of homemade soup each week. Lately he has increasingly stopped being appreciative and I feel like a bi**& if I say something. 
If I have a bad day at work or need to talk about something that is bothering me I do not share it with him as I feel selfish doing so. 
So today he meets with the doctors for an update on his prognosis. I am so scared but have been strong for him. 
Saying prayers for him and keeping fingers crossed. God bless all of you and thanks for letting me rant!!

RE: first time on this board

by jfunbug - December 08 at 3:08 PM

thank you for all of the information and your advice.
we have been struggling with this nightmare and i just want it to end.
he had to retire from the military due to teh cancer and is having a hard time expressing his feelings and talking about it.  he tells everyone he is going "Great!!!" when he is not...
Today bf meets with the doctors to determine if his first round of chemo has been working.
We had a lousy thanksgiving, he became depressed as his family was selfish, demanding he visit with family members who do not speak to one another (in past years he visited separate homes, but this year he was too sick/tired).
He was stressed out with what decision to make and I suggested he can come with me out of state with my family which didn’t go over well “oh so you’re going to go with your gf instead of us when you might not be here next year?????) wtf…. I told him he doesn’t have to go with me if it is going to cause more stress, so he decided to go to one home but thought he would disappoint me.  I assured him it was ok.  Later he confided in me he did not have a good time, he felt stressed but really did not want to talk about what happened. 

This week he was super stressed and wanted time alone.  he had testing Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (taking himself to the hospital, he confided in me that his sister was taking him and she made it all about her and stressed him out even more.  I offered to take time off from work and take him but he refused). 
So today he meets with the doctors for an update on his prognosis. I am so scared but have been strong for him. Saying prayers for him and keeping fingers crossed.  Thanks again??

RE: first time on this board

by jfunbug - December 06 at 3:31 PM

Also, are there any support groups he and I could go to? We live in the Boston, Ma area.  Thanks!

first time on this board

by jfunbug - December 06 at 3:28 PM

Hello this is my first time on this board.  My boyfriend is dealing with stage 4 kidney cancer and has completed a round of chemo, took some time off and has taken himself today to the hospital for his second round.

He has refused to let anyone take him and was very distant over the holiday and this week. 

I have been taking care of him when he lets me as we do not live together.  I cook him a huge pot of soup every week and lately have been feeling unappreciated.

I was looking for some advice as to what others have gone through and hopefully give some advice as well.  God Bless

Christy

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About jfunbug

Caregiver
Kidney Cancer
After Treatment, Cancer Diagnosis, Cancer Nutrition, Cancer Prevention, Cancer Treatments, Chemotherapy, Clinical Trials and Research, Conventional Treatments, Diet, Emotional Support

Boyfriend diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer.

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